Chemo is fucking hell. Sorry... But it is. My skin and bones ache and throb like you can never imagine. I can't even hold Skylar because I drop her almost. My head feels like it weighs five hundred pounds. I have every cut, scrape and sore in my mouth and on my toungue. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack all day every day. Bla bla bla. You get my point. Its fucking poison!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it so much I cry. Six more muther- F-N rounds. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And I tell Jarrod everytime that I can't do it! I cry and cry because I am in so much pain. I get why people would rather die than go through chemo... It is hard!!!!! The hardest thing I am ever gonna do in my life! You definitely feel defeated. I do not feel like a big baller right now. I feel like I can not do it!!!!! It is such a mind game. It takes you to a nasty place. It is not fair!!!!!! And I am mad that it put me down and I missed watching my girls play ball. Watching my girls is what keeps me going damn it! My kids and my husband are why I am trying to fight. But it is hard to fight when u get beat up every other week.. And to see myself physically look so different- or "sick" sucks so bad. It is bad enough that my boobs are gonna be cut off soon. But my hair?? Just sucks. My body is swelling from the chemo. I look nine months pregnant. My cheeks look like I am hiding a winter dinner. So awful. My womanhood has been taken away. Fuckin sucks. My poor husband.. And he has to look at this mess 24/7 lol. Ughh this week has been awful. Everything happened this week!! Our family is struggling. My kids are a hot mess. Jarrod and I are a hot mess. Fuck- the dog is a hot mess... I just wish for once we could catch a little break! This shit is so not fair!!!!!! I know that we will be ok. It is just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.
Thank you though to all of our family and friends that have been so supportive!! We love you all and can not thank you all enough for all you do for us!
I will post pictures this week! I am exhausted!! Good night!
Xoxo
