It is a 2 for 1 surgery. Meaning- the first doctor is going to come in a yank out my ovaries, then my plastic surgeon is coming in after the ovary yanking to yank out my expanders and replace them with softer fake impants. So my pain level should decrease a bit in my chest eventually. The hardest part is going to be bridging my coumiden. It is a real pain in the ass. But I am in contact with my oncologist every evening as of tonight to check my INR levels to beable to bridge the coumiden correctly for surgery.
This is a total pain in my ass. It has only been ten months since my open heart surgery and now another surgery. I am definitely getting tired in every way- but I never stop battling. Just hard sometimes. Taking care of four kids, a husband and everything else is hard to manage. It is alot to manage on its own and then you add cancer to the mix and it is a whole new ball game!
Cancer is extremely difficult. It has made many things alot harder in my life and in my family's life. You dont get your tumors cut out, do a little chemo and radiation and go back to your old ways! It is not like that at all. I think so many of us- including myself thought that you complete the process and then you are on your merry way to a happy, most beautiful life sippin on some gin and juice. NOPE, NA, HELL NO.. It is not like that at all- at least in my circumstance. Instead- my life now revolves around surgeries, doctors appointments, conference calls with my doctors, weekly blood work, xrays, scans that make you shit your pants and barf, morning and afternoon medicine, cancer therapy appointments, marriage therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, medical expenses up the ass. It just does not stop. It is very tiring for me and the people that are in my life. Some can not handle it so peace out to you. But the ones that can- thank you... Thank you for just being! That is all I need!! Just be!!
My family and I have had a very hard and agonizing 2016. There has been a dark cloud over our heads for the whole fucking year! We are really trying hard to move that cloud way far away from us in 2017. We want peace and simplicity back in our lives. I crave our dinners together at the table where it is so chaotic and crazy- but my kids are cackling and smiling with Jarrod and I at the dinner table all together again. We like chaos, we like crazy and we most definitely love hearing our four buttholes cackle.
Jarrod has been teaching me alot these last eight weeks about us and our family and my cancer. He reminds me alot that this is our lives now! And we need to accept the fact that I do have cancer, it is not in remission and that I have to just keep fighting- we as a family have to keep fighting! And Jarrod is right! It is hard to accept alot of the time but this is our life now. Cancer and heart problems truly are motherfuckers!!! I could feel sorry for myself but what the hell is that going to do for me or my girls. Instead, I cry, I go through my cycle of emotions, then I go and communicate with my therapists. I put in ALOT of work in therapy to make sure I stay grounded and loyal and true to myself and my family! I look in that mirror alot and take ownership of my own shit! It is so hard to do sometimes- but it is a relief and something that I have to do for me! My circle has gotten alot smaller in this past year and I am accepting of it. Right now and forever my focus is to live the best life I can plain and simple! I have to keep fighting to show my girls what a tough broad looks like. This is my life. And I want to live it with joy, happiness and lots of love. I just want to be out of pain and camp with my family. We are getting there ever so slowly. But it is progress.. Life in 2017 will be better for my family and I! I will not accept anything other than "better."
So think good thoughts for my girls, my hubbs, my fam and for me next week on Dec 7th.
Gonna get this shit done!!
Take care!!
Xo
