June 24, 2014 is a day that I will never forget. I wish I can one day forget all about this day-but I don't think I will ever beable too. A whole year later today! June 24, 2015.... Holy crap! It has been a WHOLE YEAR since the amputation of my breasts. Yes...I said it... I am not being drama! After alot of therapy I have realized that loosing my boobs was hoorific and it sucked and I do not have to be ok with any of it. My whole chest wall full of fat, muscle, lymphnodes, tendons, nerves, etc was completely cut off of my body! Sounds gross-sorry-but not sorry lol! It is the fricken awful truth. Nobody talks about this crap. People like to just say a prayer and be done.. But this shit is intense!! I have hard ass bricks on my chest right now. I had to go in on a weekly basis to make new boobs out of a thin piece of flapped skin basically! I have bricks in my chest called expanders that had to get blown up weekly with a needle in my chest wall. It hurt and sucked to sit there with no hair on your head, and flat chested! There is no "pretty" involved in the making of my boobs! I have constant pain all over my chest, under my arm pits from lymphnodes being removed and from 33 rounds of radiation. I can barely sleep at night from the constant pain. I have a constant numb feeling. My breasts and nipples are gone for good! They have been amputated!! I get these weird itching feelings-like if my chest wall was all intact still..but I itch at nothing! It is so weird!! The physical and mental pain of loosing my breasts was totally acceptable to me because I knew that if I did not have my bilateral mastectomy that my cancer would continue to take over my whole body eventually! But now, a year later, reflecting on this horrific day-it completely sucks!! It is hard to loose a part of your body!!! It is just god damn awful!! There are days that I wish that I never put the expanders in and just stayed "flat." But--I know a few years down the road I would not be happy. I already feel like an "IT!" I do not feel womanly at all anymore. I have weird short hair and no boobs of my own. It is definitely a humongous adjustment-but I am slowly adjusting! I will adjust!! I will not sit around and wallow. I may reflect upon all my cancer crap-but I will not wallow over that bastard named cancer!
Along with it being my one year anniversary of loosin the boobies-I also got to go up to see my oncologist this am and get my monthly Zoladex shot! As thick and long as the needle is I have to say that my homies up at my oncologist's office-Saundra, Monique and Celia are the bomb dot com! Saundra can inject me with a shot like no other can! LOL! And she was kind enough to get me a plate of breakfast to eat before my drive back home!! Thanks girls!! And of course Dr.Smith-my oncologist is amazing!! I am very lucky to have Breastlink as my team!! They take great care of me and are happy and positive people to be around! I actually love seeing all of them. We cackle the whole time!!
So Happy Anniversary of Loosin the Boobies to me!! Thanks Cancer...You are a little bitch!! lol
I will win this!! I will always fight!!! I will never give up!!! I will cry, scream and cry some more but--I will then put my bitch face back on and continue on!!! So suck it cancer! You may have taken my boobies but you will not take anymore of me you prickster!!
Fuck Cancer!!
XO
