A Fun 4 Days!

Yo!!  I am almost three weeks into radiation. I am getting a bit more fatigued and starting to get a bit burned now. So here we go!!  I think the worse part of going every day is how damn depressing it is! This is a completely different atmosphere than my chemo days!  So I have to just go in and get the hell outta there as fast as I can!

This past weekend was really fun for me!  It was a great four days with Jarrod and the kids. It was my "old normal."  Jrod and I had date night on Saturday. We ate at our favorite restaurant, cackled, made fun of each other, cackled and shopped. It was awesome!  Just a really great time. Then Sunday was big time chore day around the house. Chase and Baylee helped out ALOT on Sunday to earn some Christmas money. I got out of chores and took the littles to the park for a bit. It was so beautiful outside!  I wore them out!!  It was so much fun. I used to take my kids to do alot of things alllll the time- but this past year I have been limited because of my dumb ass cancer crap. But this past Sunday I got to go experience my "old normal" of playing with my littles. Pushing them on the swings, going down the slides with them and just strollering them around the neighborhood without feeling like I am going to pass out!  It was an amazing feeling!!  I hope I have some more of that back in my life!!

Everything is good right now!!  We are one lucky family!!
Xoxo

Merry Effin Christmas Everyone!!

Merry Effin Christmas everyone!  Come on... You know you wanna say that sometimes- so I am helping you out and saying it first!  Lol. Christmas is ridiculously stressful and on top of it I am doing radiation EVERYDAY!   So it is cray cray over here. But seriously- people are a-holes during this time of year. They loose all perspective on the the meaning of the season. This time of year I loose all hope in humanity- well all year I feel this way- but even more during this wonderful holly- jolly merry- Christmas- season filled with assholes and bread pudding!!!! Yaaaay!!

Ok- well I love Christmas- but only to spend meaningful time with my family and friends. But I do hate a-holes!  Lol. This year I started shopping for the kiddos in October... Problem with that- ummmm I forgot what I bought because of chemo and because I hid all the crap from myself and so I bought more crap!   My excuse to spoil the crap out of the kids is- "I have cancer!!"  Lol. But do not think for one second that I have not complained about all the crap I bought for them and threatened to take all their junk back and not have Christmas this year. They know I am soooo lying and a "push over" lol. Oh ya- thanks Jrod for shuttin your mouth and just letting me buy crap. Super nice of you!  Lol.

Anyways- here is our family Christmas pix. I'm not sending out pixs in the mail. Sorry Charlies!!
No time!!  But enjoy the pix from your awesome computer screen!  Oh- and I kinda don't wanna pay for stamps!  I am a cheap broad!

Merry Effin Christmas!!

Xoxo
Us!!  The Robinson Fam

On to Radiation!

I started radiation yesterday. I spent about two hours laying on a hard board with a sheet under me with my gown down to my belly button, my head turned to the left and both arms over my head. I was told the whole two hours to just relax.  BWAHAHAAHAAAAHAA. Relax???  Ya.. Ok!   These nurses are funny!  So about an hour and a half into the simulation I had to pee. I had to go soooo bad that I almost just said eff it and peed on the table!  Lol. So I am yelling over the intercom to the techs and nurses in the other room while getting radiated. "Umm can anyone hear me??"  " I think I am gonna pee my pants!!!!"  So then they say back over the intercom, "You're almost done with your treatment just hold it."  And then I say, " NO- I AM GONNA PEE All OVER THIS TABLE!"  And I was about to cry lol. So they came in the room, let me off to pee. Whew!!  That would of been a mess for them lol. Then back on I went to finish my simulation and treatment.

One thing that sucks really bad is that my left boob has had to get deflated ( 500cc deflated!) in order to do radiation. I had to do this because they do not want any " good tissue" to be in the beam and get radiated and damaged. So this morning I went in to see my plastic surgeon with Stella and Skylar and got my boob completely deflated. It is soo gross. Lol. Looks like a damn prune. I am not putting a picture up for you all- it would scare all your asses lol. But- it is temporary. Once I am finished with radiation then I will fill that mutha back up!  So if you see me roamin the streets- yes- I have one boob right now and am completely aware that the other is missing. So thanks in advance!  Lol
The only side effects that should appear are either a dark tan, and or peeling and or redness to the radiated area. But I am on it. Already putting crap all over the radiated area- per Doctor's orders!

I get radiation for 33 treatments. So everyday Monday through Friday with weekends off. Because of the holidays coming up I will be doing treatments on a few weekends because they will be closed on the holidays. So time to get this next treatment plan. Done and over with!

Lots more to do after radiation but we are getting there!!  Some days are harder than others but then I am starting to have a " normal" day here and there and It helps... Alot!!!!

So time to get er done!!!!!


XOXO

What is next... So much more!!!!

 


Ok so my last chemotherapy was October 31st!!  And the picture above shows one of many wounds that I have received from chemo!  But it is over- and on to the next treatment!  I am beginning radiation on Tuesday Dec 2. I get to go EVERYDAY for 33 rounds of radiation. Some weekends excluded- unless I am making up for a holiday during the work week. My doctor has prepared me to be very tired and burned lol. Hopefully my skin can hold up to this!  I have no breast tissue, muscles- nothing!!  All I have is a thin layer of skin with an expander inside filled with saline!  Awesome!!  The concern is not only the skin burn but what kind of damage it is going to do to my right breast side. But my plastic surgeon says not to worry- he can fix it all later. But..... It will most likely be a while before my plastic surgeon can fix it because most likely I will need to have my open heart surgery first to fix my mytral valve- else I will not make it through any surgeries. Scarey huh!!  Ya--almost peed myself on that one!  Long story short- radiation, all heart stuff taken care of then hopefully my last reconstruction surgery. This will be at least a few more years!  Damn it!!!!  This is our new normal!!  Living at the docotors. Gaggggg!

Also, saw my oncologist this week- good appointment!!  Most likely I am entering menopoause now from the chemo!!  And will need to be on Tamoxifen after my treatment for FIVE YEARS.  It is completely necessary because it blocks my hormone receptors so that the cancer will hopefully stay away!  But- my genetic mutation that I have that helped create this cancer is a total bastard because my chances for colon cancer are now elevated!  Great- now I am getting my ass checked and cleaned  out at 35 effin years old!  I am on a roll!!!  Wooo hooooo. NOT!  My docotors are on it. They are sending me to a genetic counselor to get this all figured out. The problem is everything is "killed " off right now because of my treatment. It is the next two to four years that I am constantly gonna worry about. But-- I have to remind myself not to live in fear of my cancer and to just enjoy my fam and life right now!  But I am not gonna lie- it is fricken scarey!!!!!!  But... I gotta put my bitch face back on and keep on keepin on!  my kids and my husband need me!


I am under wonderful care by a HUGE TEAM of doctors and nurses!  I could not do this without them!! Thank you to my team of doctors, nurses, referral coordinators, chemo nurse, rads nurses, friends, family, and everyone else that is supporting us!  We love you all.

That is the update!  Have a great Thanksgiving!  Don't just be thankful for your life and loved ones tomorrow...  Be thankful everyday that you are LIVING! Life is good!!  Gooble gooble!

XoXo

My Chemo Video!

Video my hubbs made me for my last chemo!!!! XOXO

Push to Watch: Amy Chemo Shots

This post might ramble but I need to write something!  You might need a tissue!  After scrolling through Facebook on my phone I saw that a a beautiful woman had passed away today from breast cancer. Her name is Jennifer Scott ( Jennifer Denny maiden name.).   I did not know Jennifer that well but new her from my sister Angie and from being on the softball fields with them. She passed away from breast cancer!  It is just awful. Jennifer reached out to me through Facebook because she wanted to help me through my breast cancer journey/ SHIT!  And she gave me her phone number so I could text her about my cancer. We had a few great texting convos on cancer!  The little time I knew her through texting and Facebook the more I got to know about her journey as well. She was a fighter!    She never once complained to me about her crap. She was more concerned about my crap instead- and she barely knew me!!  I am just so saddened by her loss but I also know that she is out of pain now!  I am thinking of her family and husband hoping that their hearts will be mended back together again soon:(.

When I read through and saw the post on facebook my sister had text me the sad news. I was in shock and could not process the info for a few minutes. Then all of the sudden I told myself it is ok to feel and cry! So I ran upstairs as fast as I could to Jarrod and started sobbing. I told him that Jennifer Scott had passed away today and that I am sad and scared out of mind!!!!!!   

This cancer crap has made me really think about things that you really do not want to think about- especially at 35 years old. My mind goes one hundred miles a minute because of the chemo, meds, and fear. It is really easy to stay sad, negative and depressed especially when someone you know battled so hard from the same disease/ cancer and lost their life!  But- I can choose to be sad, I can choose to be depressed or I can choose to LIVE my life!  I can have my moments- but I have to shake it off and move forward to win this effin battle with breast cancer.  Jennifer Scott is my hero!  She was a badass!!!!  Her fight was amazing. I know that I need to keep fighting as hard as I can. I got alot of life to live.  Even though my boobs are gone, my hair is gone, my brain is retarded and I feel
like I am 90 years old- I can get through this!!  I look at my kids and my husband and all the support that I have and realize that I can beat this crap. I have alot to live for and have got to remember that. It is hard some days- like today. But then I snap out of it and get ready to fight again.  This cancer thing sucks!!  It is not fair and so awful. But... Time to pull up my big girl panties and keep on keepin' on!  It is what I have to do to survive this crap!  

I text Jarrod this evening telling him I can not stop thinking about Jennifer Scott and that I am scared to death and sad as hell. And he sent me these two texts back.   We drive each other nuts sometimes- but we love each other. We take our wedding vows very seriously!  I am so lucky to have this man in my life. I saved these texts to remind me on my hard days that I am going to be ok. And that I am loved no matter what. 

Rest In Peace Jennifer Scott.   You are a hero in my eyes!! I am going to fight even harder now!!  XO

Update

Just  a quick update. I have finished six rounds of chemotherapy. Tomorrow I see my heart surgeon to discuss further action on my heart. And in approx four weeks I will start radiation. 33 rounds- everyday for six and half weeks. The only side effects I should have are tiredness and burning.  It will suck but not nearly as bad as chemo!  We will see..  And then hopefully after radiation I will be put through all my scans to see if this  effin cancer is gone for good. Asshole!!  

XO!

Stop cryin and put your bitch face back on!

Some days are harder than others. Not sure why but they just are.  Some days I wanna scream at the top of my lungs and other days I feel like I could cry all day. But.... I refuse to feel like this for days! I can't!  I have a husband and four baby girls that need me!  So I eventually " buck up" and put my bitch face on and keep on keepin' on! But I could not keep on keepin on without Jarrod!!  He listens to me, sees my scarey ass cry face, and reminds me that I am loved and needed in this family!  I am so lucky to have Jarrod as my husband. He is MY Rock and my cheerleader. He is always saying how strong I am. I never feel strong enough- but he makes me feel strong when he says it. He snaps me outta my craziness. He knows how to help me get through the really bad days and also knows how to make me laugh and enjoy the wonderful days too!  I love him!!  I could not get through this cancer crap without him. I tell him all the time that he is stuck with me lol.- and he is ok with that!  I am one crazy-ass- loved- hot mess chick!!

XO

My Last Chemo!

Hi all!  I hope everyone had a great Halloween!  I am sorry I have not blogged for a week or two but I have been very sick from my last chemo treatment. I had my last chemo on Halloween!!  Kinda bittersweet!  It was a wonderful last treatment but super painful and so hard on my body and veins. My sister and Jarrod came with me and we had a cackling good time!!  It was actually super fun considering I was getting poisoned for three plus hours. Then after chemo We all went over to the Jacksons for a Halloween party with our crew. But....... It was not just a Halloween party like my dummy ass thought!  We pulled up- and I was just getting situated from my nap in the car- and I see all these pink balloons with everyone cheering.  I could not believe my eyes. I saw all my friends and right away saw my Dad. I then began to cry. I cried tears of joy for completing this nightmare of a bitch called chemo and was crying because of the amazing love and support that I have from my friends and family!!  It is just unbelievable. My fam and I are so lucky to have these peeps in our lives!!!!  It was such a fun Halloween!!  The best day I have had in a very very long time. I am forever grateful for all the love and support!!  Then Saturday I did well until about 3pm or so- that is when Jrod had to give me my bone marrow shot. My last bone marrow shot.........  So I began to get achy and my bones felt like they were breaking into a million pieces. And down I went!  Then Skylar and Stella got sick. It was the week from hell!  I do not like my babies sick. So I tried to suck it up and help Jarrod as much as I could- was not much. Then by the end of the week we all started to feel better finally!!!  We got through chemo!!  I am so proud of our family!!  I never thought it was gonna end. Everytime I went through a round my anxiety level would go through the roof. It is the worse thing everrrrr. I will never do it again!  It is just awful- plain and simple. It destroys you mentally and physically. It put me in some dark places that I do not want to go to again. But I did it!!!  I made it through and completed all six rounds.  My family and I did it!!  I am so proud of us!

Here are some pictures from my last round of chemo and Halloween!!  Enjoy!

XO

in case you missed it... Here is my story!!

In case anyone missed it... Here is my story! Blogged back in May 2014


I have been dreading this....  I have been avoiding the "blog!!"  But it is time. It is time to share my story and what we are going through as a family.  I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma in my right breast. That is a big ass fancy word for BREAST CANCER!  A few things I would like to say before I continue on. First, DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR ME OR MY FAMILY!!  Second, this blog is going to be used to update my family and friends. It is so exhausting to call and repeat the latest news. Its hard!!  And third- this is going to RAW!  I am going to be doing alot of my posts from my chemo treatments. I am also going to post pictures and fun stuff of the kids. I am going to cuss and put down my feelings.  Also, I am NOT ASKING FOR YOUR OPINIONS OR HELP ON HERE! This is MY outlet. If you do not like it- do not read it!  My goal of this blog is to give my family and friends updates and to let them know that I am ok even when it gets shitty.   It is also for my family to see that chaos is still gonna go on as normal with my kids and my husband. Nothing is going to change for my kids. I do not care how sick I get- They will be taken care of by their Mamma and Daddy 100%!
And lastly- I love my family- all of them. This is a time where I have to be selfish and think about ME FIRST. It is what is going to help me beat this cancer and is gonna keep me going. I am going to be bitchier than normal, sick, tired, grumpy,irritated, etc...  You get my drift!  Lol

Here goes my story: 

After I weaned Stella I had noticed a lump on my right breast. I felt it, pushed on it, and pushed it to the back of my brain. I told myself that it is probably just my milk drying up.  So I went on and just forgot about it.  Then I got pregnant with Skylar- whoops!!!  And let me first say- thank goodness I did not pursue this cancer until after Skylar was here. If I had pursued the lump- Skylar would not be with us today!   Love that baby!!  Anyways, so I was pregnant with Skylar- hard ass pregnancy. I am about eight months pregnant with her and I push on my boob and thought holy crap!  So I told Jrod to 
feel and he and I both just were thinking its my milk coming in again. So I have Skylar and was breastfeeding her just fine. No problems!!  Everything was going great!!  Then in February I felt my
boob again and thought crap!!!  That thang has gotten bigggggg!  Again, I tell Jarrod and he yells at me to get into the doctor.  So I did... i saw my obgyn a few days later. The horror begins... Then i had an ultrasound done. Then a mammogram. Then a magnified mammogram. Then a stereotactic biopsy. Then an ultrasound guided biopsy. Then two more magnified mammos. Then I saw a deuschbag surgeon- I fired his ass along with my primary drs. Told them all off. Called my insurance and spoke with them for over three hours with four screaming kids. Switched all my insurance to get a new primary so that I could get a breast cancer specialist and team!  Boom!!  Did it!!  Got in with my breast cancer doctor. She then ordered two more magnified mammos and another ultrasound. Then I finally got to meet her. On my 35th birthday I got to meet my breast cancer doctor, and found out that I really in fact  had breast cancer.  I got to find out that chemo was my first treatment. I cried!  I finally cried!   After two plus hours with her talking about my treatment plan, I walked with Jarrod to go get a genetic test done and almost hyperventilated. I was standing outside the medical building and I told Jarrod to stop walking. I could not breath. I could not do anything. I stood there with my sunglasses on and cried and could barely breath. Jarrod calmed me down and I then walked in and did my genetic blood test. The blood test is mainly to make sure my four girls are not affected
genetically. We are waiting on the results still. Side note- its a five thousand dollar test. Hopefully insurance pays!  We don't care. We will figure it out. It needed to be done!!  So I take the test and walk back to my breast cancer doctor's office. She then says I need to come back later today to do a lymphnode biopsy. So I did. That biopsy hurt like a mother fucker!!  I laid there and cried. I felt the machine chomp into my arm pit and rip off a lymphnode. They bandaged me up and sent me for another mammo! My doctor also told me I had to stop breastfeeding NOW!  I cried. I am still so devastated over that. I feel like I have been robbed. Sucks!  So that was my birthday.
About a week later Jarrod and I drove up to Orange County to meet my oncologist. Love him!!  I walked in and immediately got irritated and grumpy. He told me about my chemo treatment, what to expect, bla bla bla. We walked out of there and I got into the car and cried. I was scared outta my damn mind. Chemo?  Me..  What the hell!  Then he said that he wanted a PET scan, full body MRI and a brain scan done to make sure this cancer has not spread anywhere else. My PET scan came out fine. My MRI shows a calcification on my left breast now. Ughhh. And It also showed approx 2-4 lymphnodes involved. And my tumor is approximately 8cm!  That's a big one!  I just did my brain
scan yesterday. Waiting on those results. I still have an echocardiogram to do and a chemo port to get put in as well. I am waiting for the green light on chemo. Should be any day.

The kids- you are probably wondering how they are. They are doing good!  Jarrod and I are very open with them.  They can ask us anything and we will tell them. They can go with us to mert my doctors. And we are even setting up chemo so they can go and see what I do and not be scared. They are scared most of me dying and loosing my hair. Lol. Chase tells me as long as I am ok that she is ok. Baylee cries alot with me. I hold her and just hug her and tell her I am not going anywhere!!  They are super busy with softball- thank goodness. So we are keeping them nice and busy!!  Stella does not understand but is definitely feeling it. But she is ok. Skylar is like what the hell. I took the boob away from her and she has been ok. These kids are really resilient!!  I got strong ass kids!  They amaze me!  I love my girls more than anything. They are why I am going to be ok and make it through this. They are my everything. I joke around and am hard on them. But that's my job as their mom!!  But they are why I get up every morning. They make me a better person each day of my life!!!

And Jarrod...  My poor husband. He married a hot ass mess!!  He has dealt with my Hyperemisis and now cancer!  Alot people judge Jarrod poorly!  My husband is my rock, my soul, my best friend. My EVERYTHING!!  That man has had my back from the first day we went out!!  He is the most amazing man, husband and father ever. I definitely do not tell him enough!  I am usually busy yelling at him lol. He likes it!  Lol. We have been married now for 12 years and have gone through alot!  But this is the ultimate test. And so far he is amazing!  I could not ask for a better person to be married too. He may be cray cray at times and speak his mind. But you always know you will get the honest truth from Jarrod. Sometimes the truth hurts.. But sometimes it is neccesary to grow as a positive human being too!! I love that man!!  He is amazing to me. He loves me for me!  Plain and simple. And boy is he in love with his four girls. They are his everything!  Love my hubs!


So there is a quick update of what is going on behind our house doors!  We are dealing with alot as a family. So give us a break when needed!!  Lots to do, coordinate and figure out.
Talk to everyone soon! 
Xo
Amy

The Girls!!