All I Want In My Life...

 All I want in my life...

All I want is to be happy.
All I want is to be loved.
All I want is to be wanted.
All I want is to be touched.
All I want is to be accepted.
All I want is to be enough.
All i want is to feel beautiful.
All I want is to be accepted.
All I want is to feel needed.
All I want is to accept my cancer.
All I want is to always feel pretty.
All I want is acceptance of my scars.
All I want is to be taken care of.
All I want is respect.
All I want is to be a priority.
All I want is to hear I Love You!
All I want is to be cherished.
All I want is a happy life.
All I want is positivity.
All I want is to be a better person each day.
All I want is to feel the warm sun on my face.
All I want is to empower the youth.
All I want is to live life to the fullest.
All I want is coziness.
All I want is all the tabs in my head to turn off.
All I want is for the pain to go the fuck away.
All I want is my heart to be mended back together some day.
All I want is to not feel the agony and pain.
All I want is peace.
All I want is for the tears to stop running down my face.
All I want is for my health to improve.
All I want is a good life.
Is that too much to ask??

Shit Show, No Such Thing as Normal Anymore, It Might be Over!

Hi! It has been a while since I last blogged.  I have been wanting to blog but have been kinda scared to put my crap out there- but I would not be being honest with myself or with any of you reading this post if I did not blog the honest god awful last five months with you. Are ya ready?  Here I go..  First-wish me luck. Lol.

So I got to coach Stella in tee- ball and Baylee in 10U!  It was awesome to be out on that field coaching these amazing girls and impacting their lives in so many positive ways.  I really view coaching as a priviledge. I think if more idiots viewed coaching as a priviledge we would not have as many scuffles or ego problems on and off the field.  But hell- what do I know... I am just a girl!   Chase also played fall ball but did not want me or her dad to coach her lmao.  She wanted a break from us. I completely understood that!  The three girls played great while Skylar was passed along to whoever coould watch her so that I could coach. It was great!  

In the midst of coaching, the kiddos all started school and cray cray time eventually began in the Robinson house!!  Kids in school, coaching two teams while three outta the four are playing, holding the fort down while Jrod works everyday practically and also trying to deal with my cancer and all my damn appointments that go with the fucking bastard. So basically while Jrod was gone working I did everything else!  I would fall asleep in the school pick up line in the afternoon with the littles in the car waiting for the bigs to get out of school.  I ended up staying up till 2am to try and clean up the house and pay bills.  I literally felt like my world was crumbling on and around me and I just did not know why or how the hell to stop the crumbling.  There were many times I would let Skylar and Stella raid the pantry from the second they got up just because I knew it gave me an opportunity to just sit and not feel my damn heart palpitate outta my chest.  I knew they would make a mess with their Doritos at 7am but I didn't mind. I just was so tired I figured who cares- I will clean it up later.  And ya-I said Doritos at 7am- don't judge! Lol. 

Since all my treatment was done and we were in a waiting period for my heart surgery I thought life would be amaze balls now.  Kids in school, softball, a sort of calmness I thought was going to enter

 our lives.  But oh no.... See- it doesn't work like that up in here!  Instead- everything happens at once over here and hell breaks loose before it gets better.  Normalcy after cancer my ass!  No such thing!  I hate to be Negative Nelly- but it is true.  There is no such thing as normal anymore.  So take that stupid ass word out of your vocabulary when you speak to me ok?!  Thanks!  Lol. Anywhoooo....So I noticed the craziness of my family, my life and my marriage but I just thought it was a "season."  So I went to my therapist- who is rad- and told her how crazy our lives were and that I was hoping some normalcy would take place and I never see my husband and bla bla bla.  And she then was helping me and I was really trying!  Like trying really hard!!  But that was not good enough to some..  Because then the worse thing in my life was happening right under my nose- my husband wanted out!    He wanted to get away from me, my cancer, the negativity, MY negativity, MY jumpiness, the fear of his wife at 36 dead and burying his wife, the fear of being alone taking care of four little girls, the financial struggle, the crazy schedule, the constant doctors appointments, the ultimate chaos of our lives!  We blinked and chaos began and is in session now permanantly!  This cancer has permanently changed our lives forever.  And cancer has not changed our lives for the better....  It is a muther fucker!

Jrod and I knew each other in high school- and then went our own ways after school.  Then we met back up- we were both at the ghetto mall shopping the day after Thanksgiving lol.  I was like aww fuck, and tried darting the other way because I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship and was realizing I liked being by myself lol.  But we met up!  And from there we have been together ever since.  That was November of 1999!!  So super duper long story short we have been together 16 years and married for 13!  In our 13 years of marriage we have had four beautiful girls- 11,10, 4 and 2.  And we bought our first house.  I also got cancer, my boobs chopped off, six rounds of chemo, lost my hair twice, 33 rounds of radiation, and a mytral valve prolapse.  Yay us!  Oh- and we get to look death right in its muther fuckin eye now on a daily basis now.  Oh- and now my marriage is falling apart. See friends.. After you have cancer- shit changes.   Not only is cancer hard on the cancery chick but it is also hard on the family too.  I tried asking Jrod what was wrong, etc and he would say he was fine.  He was working so much that our conversation was through via text only because talking on the phone is like having tourettes with four kids in the back ground.  So my marriage became a text only kinda of marriage.  It became a roommate  situation.  It became total and absolute bullshit!  The timing of Jrod wanting out was totally shitty.  But really when you are sick there is no good time.  Long story short- we seperated!  We seperated for about a month or so.  Shit- it is all such a blur, but I do remember how awful I felt. -----disclaimer------  I got permission from Jarrod to share our story. I am not writing anything on my blog that we have not already spoke about. Ok, back to my crap..  

Why?  Why did my husband want out of our marriage?  Why did he take care of me in sickness but now in health wanted out?  Why did he think I was unattractive?  Why couldn't he be my husband anymore and love me?  What did I do?? Why  why why??????  He moved out and I remember trying so hard to be strong for my girls and when I thought they were not paying attention or were not around I would sob.  I would sob in my closet with the door shut so that nobody could hear me.  I would lay on the closet floor in the fetal position holding myself asking myself what the fuck did I do to do deserve this?  I said sorry a gazillion times for being sick and having cancer, I said sorry for being a shitty wife, I said sorry for just about any and everything that you could think of because I thought it was all my fault.  My life was now officially a shit show.  I was in rage- constant fucking rage.  I was so hurt, so pissed off.  I just could not understand or make sense of any of it!  I wanted answers and was not getting them. Amd let me tell you- that is the most lonely feeling ever to have from your spouse!  It's  so fuckin awful.

Now I do not know what is going to happen with my marriage.  I have the biggest surgery and fight of my life coming up very soon with a long recovery and therapy time after.  Sad thing is that I told my therapist that I was very much looking forward to my surgery so that I could be put to sleep and not have a worry or pained heart for a few weeks!  It is so much to take in for all of us.  There is so much to work through but where the hell do I start?  We go to therapy to help us with our issues and our marriage.  I am not ashamed to say we are fucked up and have major issues.  I was for a while embarassed-but I then realized I have no reason to be embarassed.  I think many of us put on this amazing fake Facebook persona and I will not  do that!  Because it would be a lie!  Things suck right now.  They are the worse they have ever been in my 16 years with my husband.  But-I/We will figure it out.  Either way the pain will subside eventually.  

There are still good times as a family.  We love our girls more than anything.  Everything that we do is for them!!!!!! We are trying to just find our way I guess.  We are trying to figure out how to be happy again-if that is even a possibility anymore.  We are trying to figure out how to like eachother again and how to be eachother's spouse-not just rommates!  And with four kids-that is very hard.  With Jrod's job-I am finding that it is extremely hard for me and not sure what I want anymore because of his career.  So there are many many decisions that we have to make  as husband and wife, along with making sure I come outta this humongous surgery alive and kickin' for my girls and for Jrod and my family!  No pressure at all for any of us!  lol

Life is hard.. Life is sad and painful at times.  Everyday lately I ask myself What the Fuck...Why??  But I don't have any answers.  All I can do is do what is best for me and my family!  Wherever that takes me I will be fine with.  It will all be a huge adjustment period no matter what the outcome is later for me and my family.  But-I will never give up!  I will keep on fighting for what I need in my life!  I will fight hard and I will stay strong as hell.  I may have alot of tears rollin' down my cheeks for a while  but-that does not make me weak!!  It makes me stronger!!  I will then take a deep breath  and grab life by the ballz and make it my bitch!  Farewell Felisha!  Until next time..

--XO

Pain in my Ass!

The definition of PAIN in the dictionary says (verb): to cause mental or physical pain; to hurt, cause pain, be painful, be sore, be tender, ache, throb, sting, twinge, cause discomfort, , sadden, grieve, distress, trouble, oppress.

PAIN is so much more though.
PAIN is heartache.
PAIN is shattering.
PAIN is gut wrenching.
PAIN is tears streaming down your cheeks.
PAIN is smiling while screaming inside.
PAIN is making one stronger while feeling weak at the same time.
PAIN is pondering every day and every night.
PAIN-why me?
PAIN-what the fuck have I done wrong??
PAIN is a burden.
PAIN is loss!
PAIN is anger.
PAIN is utter rage.
PAIN is PTSD.
PAIN is depression.
PAIN is suppression.
PAIN causes resentment.
PAIN is the worse feeling.
PAIN is hidden.
PAIN is exhaustion.
PAIN is puffy eyes.
PAIN is wrong!
PAIN is in lives 24/7.
PAIN makes one broken.
PAIN ruins relationships.
PAIN is REAL!
Do you have PAIN?

Lil' B.OS.S.

We are officially in Fall ball for softball!  We have three out of the four girls playing ball and it is sooooo much fun!  Chase is playing up in 12s, Baylee is playing 10s and Stella is playing Tee-ball.  Skylar is hard at work on the side lines eating chips, cookies ands candy and crapping her pants.

I am coaching the Tee-ball team this season and Jrod is helping me.  It was really important for me to beable to coach Stella in tee-ball like I was able to for Baylee.  Today was our first practice and I thought it was so much fun.  When I am out on the field coaching there is no stress, no anxiety about my cancer, no worry in the world!  It is just me, my family, my softball family and the dirt!  It is so amazing to beable to coach all these kids and positively impact their lives in many many ways!  I feel very lucky that all these parents trust me and my husband on the field and give us full reign to inspire, push them and coach them!  Thank you!  I love coaching.  To me coaching is not just about throwing a ball, catching a ball, hitting a ball, or running bases.  Softball teaches these girls about soo much more.  Softball teaches them discipline, work ethic, respect, trust, building friendships that will last a lifetime!  

My softball family is unbelievable!  My dad tells me all the time how lucky we are to have all of them in our lives on and off the field and he is soo right!  This game is pretty amazing!  It really is dear and near to my heart and always will be.  Even though I have played the game and coached a long time I am always looking for ways to become a better coach, better person and better mom.  

My Tee-Ball team is called Lil' B.O.S.S.   Short for, little Band of Softball Sisters.  It is important to me to teach them love towards eachother.  It is important for them to always help eachother.  I feel that even at 3, 4 and 5 years old empathy should be taught out on that ball field!  Hugging, high fives, holding hands-all things these littles need to trust in their teammates and in their coaches.  Making sure they are learning and having fun at the same time will make them love the game that much more. 

This sisterhood started out when Baylee played!  Sophie was I think about one years old or so and Stella was about six months old.  I will NEVER ever forget when Jarrod and I were coaching Sophie and Stella's big sisters one Saturday morning and I had Stella in the stroller right next to me while working on the tee with the girls.  Stella starts screaming because she was hungry.  And I was nursing her so I started stressing out because she was hungry and tired and I needed to coach these kids!  Sophie's mom-Cara (whom at the time I had met just a few times!) Asked if she could help by holding Stella!  I was hesitant because I hate accepting help lol but at the sametime was like YES!!!  So Cara held Stella and Cara rocked her and nighty night she went so Mamma could keep practicing!!  So- long story short.... Not only are our kids all softball sisters, but so are Cara and I!  And from this same tee ball team that I met Cara on I also met Jenn and Crystal!  These three chicks are pretty amazing in my book!!  I love these ladies more than they will ever know-they will never know how much I love them because I am not mushy ! lol  But We all have eachother's backs all the the time!  And our girls are B.O.S.S.  and ALWAYS will be!!  

Sophie and Stella have always just trucked along at the games on the blanket playing and fighting with eachother over toys all while there big sisters play the best sport ever.   And they hardly ever complain!  In fact-they love being at the fields.  They feel safe with their softball family and always know it is going to be a positive and loving place to hang out and just be!  But now-they get a turn to love this sport!!  Sophie started last season in tee-ball and loved it!  Now Stella gets a turn and gets to be with Sophie just like their older sisters all got to be together!  So B.O.S.S. really holds a special place in my heart!  Everything I do and live by is for all of our girls!!  I want to be a great role model to our girls.  I want them to know and understand what the true meaning of a softball family is by being a great example!  These girls make me want to keep battling in my cancer crap!  These girls are why I never will give up!!  I need them and their mammas and they need me!  

B.O.S.S.- Live It , Love It and be a great example to these girls!!  

Here's to a great fall season with all of my girls!!!!!! 

XOXO

The Rabbit hole...

I have been thinking in my little brain for a few weeks now how I wanted to set up and write this post.  I am so weird- I will ponder for quit a while before blogging and I still do not write the post how I would like.  But-this time- I am!  I am sorry but not sorry ahead of time!  LOL

So- there has been so much that has happened in the past year that reflecting on the last 365 days kinda terrifies me.  Alot of things have been keeping me up really late at night and this subject is definitely one of them.  I am going to be the mom that says it...  Sometimes I can not stand my kids lol.  I love them so much and love being home with them that sometimes they drive me bat shit crazy!  Some days I think what the fuck am I doing!?!  And some days I do not feel "blessed!"  Blessed my ass!!!  Lets be real here...It is hard to be a wife, mamma, a woman, a human being!  The tasks  that woman (and men) have on their plates every day is just ridiculous.  And then the kids just are sometimes straight up assholes!  It's cool if you think I suck right now.. But it is the damn truth!  I am so sick of people posting on social media how amaze balls their lives are, and how wonderful their children and spouse are.  Whatever-I call bullshit on that statement!  I hate the fakeness that is all over social media-especially with mammas!  Listen... Being a mom is fricken tough!  Being a mom has its awesome days and its I- wanna- sock- you- in- your- throat- days!  But it is about being truthful and honest with yourself and how you are living your life that really matters in my book!  These fake perceptions of others just make people feel like shit!  Sometimes scrolling facebook when I read posts I seriously cackle because I know that they are fake!  LOL.  And then there are other times when I am like yip...I know the feeling!  I mean to each their own right?!   I guess....  Well I am gonna share with you a little personal story of mine that is not fake, not all red roses and ass grass.  Instead it is the truth, it is real, and it is just crappy!  I am going to simplify my story for alot of reasons and hopefully by the end of this post you will get where I am going with all this.  So are you ready-go!

  My intention of blogging this post is not to piss anyone off, not to make anyone feel sorry for me-but to know that It is ok...Alot of us are experiencing this in our lives!!  I hope this post helps and maybe saves a mamma or two or three!

So In the middle of all my dumb ass cancer alot of crap went on behind the scenes that I do not really like to blog or talk about about.  But this one incidence that has affected my life drastically is an incident that I just really feel that I needed to share to help others.  First off, I never in a million years thought I would get cancer, chop my boobs off, go through chemo and rads or anything!  Second, I never in a gazillion years thought I would need "help" and be on anxiety/super high depression meds.  I hate meds!!  What the hell!  But-It allllllll happened!  And I am not embarrassed or ashamed of it at all!  I own that mutha!  The day that I had to shave my head from loosing my hair to chemo last year was a crazy, horrible day!  But I made the best out of the situation that I could.  I kept myself together-mainly because of my kids and I think I was in shock that my affro was gone, but just went about my day like a normal crazy ass!  Then some crap had happened in the evening that literally changed me forever!  It is a change that I do feel embarrassed about but know that I have grown from it!  I reached an all time low and was sitting really deep in the rabbit hole.  So deep that I was envisioning taking myself out of this life for good!  I was literally planning in my head how to be gone forever-ya get my drift people??!  All I gotta say.......If Jarrod was not there-I would of peaced out for GOOD!  That's why I can say my husband annoys the fuckin shit outta me too-because I love him that much!  LOL.  It was the first time EVER in my life at 35 years old at the time that I felt like my kids, my husband, my family would be much better off without me here!  I felt and -still do at times-that I could do nothing right!  No matter what I said, or did regarding my cancer and my life it was still not good enough!  I felt guilty for having to be away from my newborn baby and three other kids to rid this cancer.  I felt just shitty!  I could not win with anything or anybody!  It felt like I made things worse and more chaotic.  I am always trying to do the right thing, always worrying about others and I felt like it just was not good enough.  The best thing for me to do I thought was to leave and get rid of myself for good!!  I never in a million years would of thought that I-Amy Lynn Robinson would spiral deep deep down the rabbit hole.  I was so embarrassed and felt so weak for feeling like this.  I was so sad, mad, angry, scared and was not sleeping,  My anxiety was through the roof!  I kept this deep dark secret hidden for a while because I did not know if anyone could help me!  Shit-I did not even know if I wanted help.  I kinda felt like it was easier and better for my family to give up and just take my own life than deal with everything that was happening in my life at that time-and it was and still is a damn cluster fuck!  lol.  I remember walking around at the softball fields so angry and mad-for no reason!  I just hated everything and everybody!  I saw all the happiness out at the fields and it made me feel more angry, more anxiety, more sadness.  I was driving home from the fields with the kids-probably ignoring them talking to me-lol-thinking to myself-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING-YOU NEED HELP DUMBASS!!!!!!  I was literally freaking out because I was panicking because I was ready to get help.  I needed to talk to someone.  I knew that crying 24/7 was not healthy for me.  I felt such misery and anger inside that I needed to talk to someone.  I needed a  trained professional that I could trust and that would tell me that I was gonna be alright!!  And I needed someone to reassure me that my decisions are ok to make-if that is what I need in my life!  I needed fricken help and I was gonna get it now!  I was ready!  I wanted to get the help I needed for ME!  I wanted to feel normal again-whatever that means..  I wanted happiness in my life again!  I wanted to be with my kids and husband even though they drive me bat shit cray cray!  I needed them and wanted them in my life!  I had to have them!  I needed to be present!!!!  So I went to a therapist-the bomb diggity by the way-and it changed my life after 60 minutes!  I walked out of there so exhausted.  I felt like I went and worked out-but don't worry-I didn't! lol.  I was so exhausted that I actually finally slept that night!  I finally got some sleep!  I finally talked to someone that did not try and tell me that how I was feeling was wrong, etc!  My therapist saved me!  and is still saving me on a two week appointment schedule for the rest of my life basis lol!  And I am ok with that!  I look soooooooooo forward to talking with my therapist without any kid interruptions.  I look forward to seeing her smile knowing that she genuinely cares about me and my fucked up situation!  Shit-she is so fabulous that Jarrod and I like to go together to strengthen our marriage!  WE love it!  And Jrod don't like no therapists!!  It is a wonderful thing when you find a therapist that you can connect with and truly like to go talk to.  And not only do I see one therapist for individual help and marriage strengthening, but I also see another therapist to deal with my cancer.  I see a cancer therapist because it is just crazy!!  It is almost like you go through this whole scary cancer care and then welp.. ok..byeee!!  Your done.  Bye Felicia!  During surgery and treatment you are so sick and so emotionally and mentally and physically exhausted that you are just in fight or flight mode to get through the horror.  Then all the sudden you are done with treatment, have some fuzzies growing on your head and BOOM-you are fine now!  Nope-you are not fine!!!!!!   In fact I am more messed up now than I was when I was told I had cancer!!  So a breast cancer therapist has been a wonderful thing for me!  These therapist are in my life for good now!  They are part of my crew, my team, my family!!!  They are why I am here today!  They helped me the same way my cancer doctors helped me..They saved my life too ya know!!!!

Ok-so super long I know...But-It needed to be blogged.  I want to help people!  I want my blog to be seen!  I want people to know that honesty is an amazing thing!  I want to help!  I want people to know that it is totally ok to not like your kids sometimes lol.  I want people to know that  everyone has skeletons in their closets and is full of shit!  I want people to know that it is ok to hide in the closet with a candy bar because you did not wanna share it with your kids!!  LOL-Ya-I do that alot because they always eat my damn food! lol.

Just be the best mamma, human being that you can be!  Be truthful and honest with yourself.  And being miserable-is that really the life you want to live??  Hey-maybe it is the life you want-  but I do not!!  I guess my point is-not everyone is perfect, in fact we are all far from perfect.  Not everyone is feelin all blessed and loved every single day of their life.  And alot of us mammas look at other mammas and wonder how the hell are they so perfect.  I am always wondering how the hell did that mamma get make-up on and get a damn shower because I am over here making myself sick from my own stench and just want to put some deodorant on! lol.

My house will never be clean enough, my house will never be perfect!  I am pretty sure I will continue to fuck up as a mamma and wife here and there, and I am sure that I will also try my best to be the best mamma, wife and woman that I can possibly be while being on this earth!  But that is really all you can ask for right?!   I just want to be happy!!  I just want to be honest, I just want to laugh and smile and enjoy the simplicities in life!  And I can now!  I am now!  I was ready to get help in alot of ways.  I am really proud of myself!  It has all changed me for the better!  Sometimes reflecting is an amazing thing!  I can look in the mirror and see bits and pieces of me now!  It is a great feeling!  I am doing things in my life that only help with happiness!  I am embracing the good not the ugly!  I am basically one lucky bitch!  I have doctors and therapists that are wonderful.  I have this crew of amazing family and friends that will not let me leave this earth.  I have an amazing and crazy husband that will not leave my side ever!!  And I have four beautiful children that I love so much and annoy the fuck outta me sometimes-but it's all good lol!

 I am truly lucky!  Life is hard damn it!  It is really hard!!  And some hours, days, weeks, months and years suck too!  But... it is all perspective! Life is not a competition.  Motherhood is not a competition!!  So as women... Lets stop making it a competition!  Lets stop judging each other and embrace one another!  The mamma in Target just trying to buy some body wash while her toddler is screaming her head off is probably on the verge of crying.  That mamma is probably so embarrassed knowing others are judging her and her poor toddler at that moment.  That mamma just wants a little smile from others not a fricken smirk or crappy mad doggin glare!  We all experience bad shopping adventures with our kids!  We are all just really trying to be the best mammas that we can be.  We are giving so much of ourselves that we are completely forgotten in the mix-and that is usually ok with us mammas!  But-HELP that mamma-you don't know what she is dealing with!  And you can help by just smiling at her-that's like the universal mamma code for-I totally feel ya right now lol!  That's it... That is all that is sometimes needed to get through a bad day!!!  Lets help each other instead of throwing each other under the bus.  It is much needed in our society right now!

So listen.. I don't need any type of comments on Facebook feeling sorry for me or trying to pick at this post!  Every mamma has felt some type of failure in their mothering at sometime in their mothering lives lol.  So take what you want from this post.  You can hate it!  You can love it!  You can share it!  But... DO NOT judge me damn it!!  This is my blog, my time to let my creativity run free!  I link it on Facebook because it is an easy place for all my crew to read and see my post.   If you are open minded... You will like at least one word that I wrote and relate to it a smidgen.  But to each their own!!  It is ok if you do not like this post and it is ok if you love this post!  I will not judge ya!

Just do me a huge favor...be honest with yourself always!  Be the best mamma that you can be.  Be the best you that you can be.  Because in one phone call your life can change!  We are not promised tomorrow!  So you gotta make the best out of today!!!!  Persevere and never give up!  It is too easy to give up.  It is too easy to walk away.  Our softball motto for all stars was Losers Complain, Winners Train...  Suck it up Buttercup!  lol.  And I still use that line..  It keeps me going everyday!!

Keep on keepin' on mammas!  you can do it!!

Have courage...Be kind!! (Cinderella movie)

XO

Loosin the Boobies!

June 24, 2014 is a day that I will never forget.  I wish I can one day forget all about this day-but I don't think I will ever beable too.  A whole year later today!  June 24, 2015....  Holy crap!  It has been a WHOLE YEAR since the amputation of my breasts.  Yes...I said it...  I am not being drama!  After alot of therapy I have realized that loosing my boobs was hoorific and it sucked and I do not have to be ok with any of it.  My whole chest wall full of fat, muscle, lymphnodes, tendons, nerves, etc was completely cut off of my body!  Sounds gross-sorry-but not sorry lol!  It is the fricken awful truth.  Nobody talks about this crap.  People like to just say a prayer and be done..  But this shit is intense!!  I have hard ass bricks on my chest right now.  I had to go in on a weekly basis to make new boobs out of a thin piece of flapped skin basically!  I have bricks in my chest called expanders that had to get blown up weekly with a needle in my chest wall.  It hurt and sucked to sit there with no hair on your head, and flat chested!  There is no "pretty" involved in the making of my boobs!  I have constant pain all over my chest, under my arm pits from lymphnodes being removed and from 33 rounds of radiation.  I can barely sleep at night from the constant pain.  I have a constant numb feeling.  My breasts and nipples are gone for good!  They have been amputated!!  I get these weird itching feelings-like if my chest wall was all intact still..but I itch at nothing!   It is so weird!!  The physical and mental pain of loosing my breasts was totally acceptable to me because I knew that if I did not have my bilateral mastectomy that my cancer would continue to take over my whole body eventually!  But now, a year later, reflecting on this horrific day-it completely sucks!!   It is hard to loose a part of your body!!!  It is just god damn awful!!  There are days that I wish that I never put the expanders in and just stayed "flat."  But--I know a few years down the road I would not be happy.  I already feel like an "IT!"  I do not feel womanly at all anymore.  I have weird short hair and no boobs of my own.  It is definitely a humongous adjustment-but I am slowly adjusting!  I will adjust!!  I will not sit around and wallow.  I may reflect upon all my cancer crap-but I will not wallow over that bastard named cancer!

Along with it being my one year anniversary of loosin the boobies-I also got to go up to see my oncologist this am and get my monthly Zoladex shot!  As thick and long as the needle is I have to say that my homies up at my oncologist's office-Saundra, Monique and Celia are the bomb dot com!  Saundra can inject me with a shot like no other can!  LOL!  And she was kind enough to get me a plate of breakfast to eat before my drive back home!!  Thanks girls!!  And of course Dr.Smith-my oncologist is amazing!!  I am very lucky to have Breastlink as my team!!  They take great care of me and are happy and positive people to be around!  I actually love seeing all of them.  We cackle the whole time!!  

So Happy Anniversary of Loosin the Boobies to me!!  Thanks Cancer...You are a little bitch!!  lol

I will win this!!  I will always fight!!!  I will never give up!!!  I will cry, scream and cry some more but--I will then put my bitch face back on and continue on!!!  So suck it cancer!  You may have taken my boobies but you will not take anymore of me you prickster!!  

Fuck Cancer!!

XO

What a Difference a Year Makes!

So everyday I go to bed wanting to blog something- but then I think it is stupid and not worth a read so I decide not to blog.  But for the past few days I have been thinking back to my cancer diagnosis last year.  My official diagnosis from my Breastlink Doctor was on my birthday- April 16th.  I will always think of my birthday as the worse day of my life now.  This year for my birthday Jarrod and my Cancer Crew went to South Coast Winery for an amazing dinner.  It was soooo good.  But before dinner was ordered, Jrod decided to give a beautiful toast thanking our Crew and then yakkin about
me lol.  Then all of the sudden he got down on a knee and asked me to basically stay married to him- cancer and all-and he gave me a beuatiful diamond anniversary band!!  We had a wonderful night.  It was a much better birthday this year than last year!!  Good people, good food, good wine a DIAMONDS!!  lol.

We also had an amazing weekend last weekend filled with two beautiful weddings!!  Friday night we went to a wedding in Newport Beach and Saturday we went to Kari and Brandon's wedding in Temecula.  Both weddings were so gorgeous and sooooo much fun!!  We danced alot at both weddings and just really enjoyed ourselves and our family and friends!!  It was also a wonderful weekend because I finally looked in the mirror and recognized myself a bit.  As I was doing my make-up-which hardly everrrrr happens-I realized that I am still "here!''  For the past year since loosing my hair and watching my body swell I have had a hard time accepting the way that I look physically.  I tell myself all the time that it is just temporary-but that is a crock of shit.  I have lost so much of myself physically and It is hard to accept it-I doubt I ever will!  But last weekend I felt pretty.  I felt feminine.  I didn't feel embarrassed of myself.  I felt like Jarrod was proud to be by my side.  I just felt good for those few hours each day!  It was nice to know that I can still clean up well-even with a short white girl afro and no boobs!  lol.  It was a great weekend plain and simple.  I am so happy and grateful that we were able to attend both weddings!   It was all so beautiful.

Now Jarrod and I are coaching Chase and Baylee's All Star team.  Jrod is the head coach and manager and I am assisting him!!  It has been amazing!  The last two weeks have just been great.  Being out on the softball field is exactly what my brain and body needs!  Its three hours of not worrying about the littles, my cancer, my heart or any other problems that I have.  It is just us and the team!   Jrod and I are hard on the girls but also very motivating.  We expect ALOT from these girls but we know they can do it!!  Each week they get better and better.  It is just such an honor and priveledge to beable to go back out and coach these girls.  Best part...I am coaching with Jrod!!  And everyone is so great about helping with the littles to make it happen!  It is  B.O.S.S. 2.0!!

So that is it!!  I am tired!  Here are a bunch of pictures for ya' all to check out!!  Take care!
XO