The Rabbit hole...

I have been thinking in my little brain for a few weeks now how I wanted to set up and write this post.  I am so weird- I will ponder for quit a while before blogging and I still do not write the post how I would like.  But-this time- I am!  I am sorry but not sorry ahead of time!  LOL

So- there has been so much that has happened in the past year that reflecting on the last 365 days kinda terrifies me.  Alot of things have been keeping me up really late at night and this subject is definitely one of them.  I am going to be the mom that says it...  Sometimes I can not stand my kids lol.  I love them so much and love being home with them that sometimes they drive me bat shit crazy!  Some days I think what the fuck am I doing!?!  And some days I do not feel "blessed!"  Blessed my ass!!!  Lets be real here...It is hard to be a wife, mamma, a woman, a human being!  The tasks  that woman (and men) have on their plates every day is just ridiculous.  And then the kids just are sometimes straight up assholes!  It's cool if you think I suck right now.. But it is the damn truth!  I am so sick of people posting on social media how amaze balls their lives are, and how wonderful their children and spouse are.  Whatever-I call bullshit on that statement!  I hate the fakeness that is all over social media-especially with mammas!  Listen... Being a mom is fricken tough!  Being a mom has its awesome days and its I- wanna- sock- you- in- your- throat- days!  But it is about being truthful and honest with yourself and how you are living your life that really matters in my book!  These fake perceptions of others just make people feel like shit!  Sometimes scrolling facebook when I read posts I seriously cackle because I know that they are fake!  LOL.  And then there are other times when I am like yip...I know the feeling!  I mean to each their own right?!   I guess....  Well I am gonna share with you a little personal story of mine that is not fake, not all red roses and ass grass.  Instead it is the truth, it is real, and it is just crappy!  I am going to simplify my story for alot of reasons and hopefully by the end of this post you will get where I am going with all this.  So are you ready-go!

  My intention of blogging this post is not to piss anyone off, not to make anyone feel sorry for me-but to know that It is ok...Alot of us are experiencing this in our lives!!  I hope this post helps and maybe saves a mamma or two or three!

So In the middle of all my dumb ass cancer alot of crap went on behind the scenes that I do not really like to blog or talk about about.  But this one incidence that has affected my life drastically is an incident that I just really feel that I needed to share to help others.  First off, I never in a million years thought I would get cancer, chop my boobs off, go through chemo and rads or anything!  Second, I never in a gazillion years thought I would need "help" and be on anxiety/super high depression meds.  I hate meds!!  What the hell!  But-It allllllll happened!  And I am not embarrassed or ashamed of it at all!  I own that mutha!  The day that I had to shave my head from loosing my hair to chemo last year was a crazy, horrible day!  But I made the best out of the situation that I could.  I kept myself together-mainly because of my kids and I think I was in shock that my affro was gone, but just went about my day like a normal crazy ass!  Then some crap had happened in the evening that literally changed me forever!  It is a change that I do feel embarrassed about but know that I have grown from it!  I reached an all time low and was sitting really deep in the rabbit hole.  So deep that I was envisioning taking myself out of this life for good!  I was literally planning in my head how to be gone forever-ya get my drift people??!  All I gotta say.......If Jarrod was not there-I would of peaced out for GOOD!  That's why I can say my husband annoys the fuckin shit outta me too-because I love him that much!  LOL.  It was the first time EVER in my life at 35 years old at the time that I felt like my kids, my husband, my family would be much better off without me here!  I felt and -still do at times-that I could do nothing right!  No matter what I said, or did regarding my cancer and my life it was still not good enough!  I felt guilty for having to be away from my newborn baby and three other kids to rid this cancer.  I felt just shitty!  I could not win with anything or anybody!  It felt like I made things worse and more chaotic.  I am always trying to do the right thing, always worrying about others and I felt like it just was not good enough.  The best thing for me to do I thought was to leave and get rid of myself for good!!  I never in a million years would of thought that I-Amy Lynn Robinson would spiral deep deep down the rabbit hole.  I was so embarrassed and felt so weak for feeling like this.  I was so sad, mad, angry, scared and was not sleeping,  My anxiety was through the roof!  I kept this deep dark secret hidden for a while because I did not know if anyone could help me!  Shit-I did not even know if I wanted help.  I kinda felt like it was easier and better for my family to give up and just take my own life than deal with everything that was happening in my life at that time-and it was and still is a damn cluster fuck!  lol.  I remember walking around at the softball fields so angry and mad-for no reason!  I just hated everything and everybody!  I saw all the happiness out at the fields and it made me feel more angry, more anxiety, more sadness.  I was driving home from the fields with the kids-probably ignoring them talking to me-lol-thinking to myself-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING-YOU NEED HELP DUMBASS!!!!!!  I was literally freaking out because I was panicking because I was ready to get help.  I needed to talk to someone.  I knew that crying 24/7 was not healthy for me.  I felt such misery and anger inside that I needed to talk to someone.  I needed a  trained professional that I could trust and that would tell me that I was gonna be alright!!  And I needed someone to reassure me that my decisions are ok to make-if that is what I need in my life!  I needed fricken help and I was gonna get it now!  I was ready!  I wanted to get the help I needed for ME!  I wanted to feel normal again-whatever that means..  I wanted happiness in my life again!  I wanted to be with my kids and husband even though they drive me bat shit cray cray!  I needed them and wanted them in my life!  I had to have them!  I needed to be present!!!!  So I went to a therapist-the bomb diggity by the way-and it changed my life after 60 minutes!  I walked out of there so exhausted.  I felt like I went and worked out-but don't worry-I didn't! lol.  I was so exhausted that I actually finally slept that night!  I finally got some sleep!  I finally talked to someone that did not try and tell me that how I was feeling was wrong, etc!  My therapist saved me!  and is still saving me on a two week appointment schedule for the rest of my life basis lol!  And I am ok with that!  I look soooooooooo forward to talking with my therapist without any kid interruptions.  I look forward to seeing her smile knowing that she genuinely cares about me and my fucked up situation!  Shit-she is so fabulous that Jarrod and I like to go together to strengthen our marriage!  WE love it!  And Jrod don't like no therapists!!  It is a wonderful thing when you find a therapist that you can connect with and truly like to go talk to.  And not only do I see one therapist for individual help and marriage strengthening, but I also see another therapist to deal with my cancer.  I see a cancer therapist because it is just crazy!!  It is almost like you go through this whole scary cancer care and then welp.. ok..byeee!!  Your done.  Bye Felicia!  During surgery and treatment you are so sick and so emotionally and mentally and physically exhausted that you are just in fight or flight mode to get through the horror.  Then all the sudden you are done with treatment, have some fuzzies growing on your head and BOOM-you are fine now!  Nope-you are not fine!!!!!!   In fact I am more messed up now than I was when I was told I had cancer!!  So a breast cancer therapist has been a wonderful thing for me!  These therapist are in my life for good now!  They are part of my crew, my team, my family!!!  They are why I am here today!  They helped me the same way my cancer doctors helped me..They saved my life too ya know!!!!

Ok-so super long I know...But-It needed to be blogged.  I want to help people!  I want my blog to be seen!  I want people to know that honesty is an amazing thing!  I want to help!  I want people to know that it is totally ok to not like your kids sometimes lol.  I want people to know that  everyone has skeletons in their closets and is full of shit!  I want people to know that it is ok to hide in the closet with a candy bar because you did not wanna share it with your kids!!  LOL-Ya-I do that alot because they always eat my damn food! lol.

Just be the best mamma, human being that you can be!  Be truthful and honest with yourself.  And being miserable-is that really the life you want to live??  Hey-maybe it is the life you want-  but I do not!!  I guess my point is-not everyone is perfect, in fact we are all far from perfect.  Not everyone is feelin all blessed and loved every single day of their life.  And alot of us mammas look at other mammas and wonder how the hell are they so perfect.  I am always wondering how the hell did that mamma get make-up on and get a damn shower because I am over here making myself sick from my own stench and just want to put some deodorant on! lol.

My house will never be clean enough, my house will never be perfect!  I am pretty sure I will continue to fuck up as a mamma and wife here and there, and I am sure that I will also try my best to be the best mamma, wife and woman that I can possibly be while being on this earth!  But that is really all you can ask for right?!   I just want to be happy!!  I just want to be honest, I just want to laugh and smile and enjoy the simplicities in life!  And I can now!  I am now!  I was ready to get help in alot of ways.  I am really proud of myself!  It has all changed me for the better!  Sometimes reflecting is an amazing thing!  I can look in the mirror and see bits and pieces of me now!  It is a great feeling!  I am doing things in my life that only help with happiness!  I am embracing the good not the ugly!  I am basically one lucky bitch!  I have doctors and therapists that are wonderful.  I have this crew of amazing family and friends that will not let me leave this earth.  I have an amazing and crazy husband that will not leave my side ever!!  And I have four beautiful children that I love so much and annoy the fuck outta me sometimes-but it's all good lol!

 I am truly lucky!  Life is hard damn it!  It is really hard!!  And some hours, days, weeks, months and years suck too!  But... it is all perspective! Life is not a competition.  Motherhood is not a competition!!  So as women... Lets stop making it a competition!  Lets stop judging each other and embrace one another!  The mamma in Target just trying to buy some body wash while her toddler is screaming her head off is probably on the verge of crying.  That mamma is probably so embarrassed knowing others are judging her and her poor toddler at that moment.  That mamma just wants a little smile from others not a fricken smirk or crappy mad doggin glare!  We all experience bad shopping adventures with our kids!  We are all just really trying to be the best mammas that we can be.  We are giving so much of ourselves that we are completely forgotten in the mix-and that is usually ok with us mammas!  But-HELP that mamma-you don't know what she is dealing with!  And you can help by just smiling at her-that's like the universal mamma code for-I totally feel ya right now lol!  That's it... That is all that is sometimes needed to get through a bad day!!!  Lets help each other instead of throwing each other under the bus.  It is much needed in our society right now!

So listen.. I don't need any type of comments on Facebook feeling sorry for me or trying to pick at this post!  Every mamma has felt some type of failure in their mothering at sometime in their mothering lives lol.  So take what you want from this post.  You can hate it!  You can love it!  You can share it!  But... DO NOT judge me damn it!!  This is my blog, my time to let my creativity run free!  I link it on Facebook because it is an easy place for all my crew to read and see my post.   If you are open minded... You will like at least one word that I wrote and relate to it a smidgen.  But to each their own!!  It is ok if you do not like this post and it is ok if you love this post!  I will not judge ya!

Just do me a huge favor...be honest with yourself always!  Be the best mamma that you can be.  Be the best you that you can be.  Because in one phone call your life can change!  We are not promised tomorrow!  So you gotta make the best out of today!!!!  Persevere and never give up!  It is too easy to give up.  It is too easy to walk away.  Our softball motto for all stars was Losers Complain, Winners Train...  Suck it up Buttercup!  lol.  And I still use that line..  It keeps me going everyday!!

Keep on keepin' on mammas!  you can do it!!

Have courage...Be kind!! (Cinderella movie)

XO