It's a 2 for 1 Special!!

Hi everyone. I have been really sick and really busy living at the doctors.  I am going in for surgery next week, December 7th. Crazy how fast they want this done. Kinda did not think I was going to have surgery so soon but I am!  It is actually a really good way to end this shitty ass year!

It is a 2 for 1 surgery. Meaning- the first doctor is going to come in a yank out my ovaries, then my plastic surgeon is coming in after the ovary yanking to yank out my expanders and replace them with softer fake impants. So my pain level should decrease a bit in my chest eventually. The hardest part is going to be bridging my coumiden. It is a real pain in the ass. But I am in contact with my oncologist every evening as of tonight to check my INR levels to beable to bridge the coumiden correctly for surgery. 

This is a total pain in my ass.  It has only been ten months since my open heart surgery and now another surgery.  I am definitely getting tired in every way- but I never stop battling. Just hard sometimes.  Taking care of four kids, a husband and everything else is hard to manage. It is alot to manage on its own and then you add cancer to the mix and it is a whole new ball game!

Cancer is extremely difficult. It has made many things alot harder in my life and in my family's life. You dont get your tumors cut out, do a little chemo and radiation and go back to your old ways!  It is not like that at all. I think so many of us- including myself thought that you complete the process and then you are on your merry way to a happy, most beautiful life sippin on some gin and juice. NOPE, NA, HELL NO..  It is not like that at all- at least in my circumstance. Instead- my life now revolves around surgeries, doctors appointments, conference calls with my doctors, weekly blood work, xrays, scans that make you shit your pants and barf, morning and afternoon medicine, cancer therapy appointments, marriage therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, medical expenses up the ass.  It just does not stop. It is very tiring for me and the people that are in my life. Some can not handle it so peace out to you.  But the ones that can- thank you...  Thank you for just being!  That is all I need!! Just be!!  

My family and I have had a very hard and agonizing 2016. There has been a dark cloud over our heads for the whole fucking year!  We are really trying hard to move that cloud way far away from us in 2017. We want peace and simplicity back in our lives. I crave our dinners together at the table where it is so chaotic and crazy- but my kids are cackling and smiling with Jarrod and I at the dinner table all together again. We like chaos, we like crazy and we most definitely love hearing our four buttholes cackle.  

Jarrod has been teaching me alot these last eight weeks about us and our family and my cancer. He reminds me alot that this is our lives now!  And we need to accept the fact that I do have cancer, it is not in remission and that I have to just keep fighting- we as a family have to keep fighting!  And Jarrod is right!  It is hard to accept alot of the time but this is our life now.  Cancer and heart problems truly are motherfuckers!!!  I could feel sorry for myself but what the hell is that going to do for me or my girls. Instead, I cry, I go through my cycle of emotions, then I go and communicate with my therapists. I put in ALOT of work in therapy to make sure I stay grounded and loyal and true to myself and my family!  I look in that mirror alot and take ownership of my own shit!  It is so hard to do sometimes- but it is a relief and something that I have to do for me!  My circle has gotten alot smaller in this past year and I am accepting of it. Right now and forever my focus is to live the best life I can plain and simple!  I have to keep fighting to show my girls what a tough broad looks like.  This is my life. And I want to live it with joy, happiness and lots of love.  I just want to be out of pain and camp with my family. We are getting there ever so slowly.  But it is progress..  Life in 2017 will be better for my family and I!  I will not accept anything other than "better."  

So think good thoughts for my girls, my hubbs, my fam and for me next week on Dec 7th.

Gonna get this shit done!!  

Take care!!

Xo

Happy Fall Ya'All

Hi all!! I hope everyone is doing well.  Happy Fall Ya' all!!  I am so glad the month of October is over. It has been a hellish month for me and my fam. But we made it through the month!!!    I have been so sick lately and kind of over it.  But I am slowly gaining my strength and feeling better each day.  I have also been to ALOT of doctors appointments-and oh my gawd it is effin exhausting.  Especially commuting two plus hours on the 91 freeway both ways  gagggggg.  More power to you commuters.  No wonder you all have fuckin road rage lol.

So...Here is the latest update-you all ready???  So more surgeries are on their way soon.  Long story short; my heart can not endure any more medicines.  I need certain meds to keep my cancer away because I have moved from Stage 3 breast cancer to Stage 3 advanced breast cancer!!!!!  I can not take the meds because these could give me a potential heart attack or kinda die.  So instead of meds I have to get my ovaries out now.  And along with my ovaries coming out I am going to try and combine my boob exchange with my ovaries coming out.  I got the OK from all my docs-now it's just seeing if the docs make it happen!  I am going to try my hardest to boss their asses around and make it happen.  It is going to be another obstacle to get through but if I can have a double mastectomy and open heart surgery and all the shit I endured in between then I can easily get through this shit!!  I am hoping that once these surgeries get accomplished then there is some fricken light at the end of the tunnel finally.  My fam and I need a break.... We need a break really bad!!  We are all so tired and beat up emotionally, mentally and physically.  

As I process these surgeries in my little brain I realize that a lot has been taken away from me physically.  I am loosing all my physical parts that make up my woman hood.  my boobs are gone, my nipples are gone, and now my ovaries.  My mitral valve is gone-replaced with a piece of metal that ticks so loud 24/7 I wanna punch myself in the throat lol.  I am fat from all the meds and am in so much chronic physical pain that I live in my bed because I hurt so much.  I cry myself to sleep 5 out of the 7 days and I can not feel certain parts of my body because the numbness takes over certain
parts of my body.  then there is my brain-fuck it is bad!  Takes me weeks to remember what I want to
blog and why.  If I don't write it down asap or blurt out my thoughts like a fat girl with tourettes then my thoughts go away FAST!!  I can't remember certain things-like when the Bigs were babies.  I look at pictures and have to study them or ask Jarrod about the picture because I can not remember where or the why for the picture.  Unfortunately- I signed my life away when I endured chemo and RADS. It will slowly get better-just gonna take ALOT of time.  

Enough of my bitching!   LOW KEY and JUST BE are not bad things to focus on right now. My family and I are working on destressing our lives and just living in the moment!  JUST BE!  That is our motto now.  

So..  I can't really concentrate much more-so Bye for now!!  Remember-like my therapist says.... JUST BE!!  It is a good thing!! 

Lots of pics on here!

XOXO

Cancer is Still a Motherfucker...

Hi guys. Got a call from my oncologist concerned about my heart still and the meds I would need to keep my cancer away for 5-10 years (immunotherapy.). My oncologist and my cardiologist are very concerned that the meds I would need to take to keep my cancer out of my body will affect my heart more. They have been running EKGs on me and have found that my heart is beating very fast. My cardiologist also discovered after my heart surgery that I have a Prolonged QT .
 [Long QT syndrome(LQTS) is a heart rhythm condition that can potentially cause fast, chaotic heartbeats. These rapid heartbeats might trigger a sudden fainting spell or seizure. In some cases, the heart can beat erratically for so long that it causes sudden death.] Prolonged QT causes many many medicines to worsen my QT and can cause heart attacks and death. So now my doctors are once again coming up with a different game plan to keep my heart pumping healthily and to keep the cancer out of my body.

   We are thinking that the new game plan will consist of another surgery ughh. They would like to remove my ovaries since my cancer is estrogen related. They need to get me into menopause asap basically to keep the high amount of estrogen out of my body. By taking out the ovaries it will then take the immunotherapy meds out of the picture- which will then keep my heart healthy and me alive and hopefully healthy lol.
 
   Also in the works is another PET scan to make sure my cancer has not spread along with the normal weekly blood work for my coumadin levels. I am also needing my expanders out of my chest and hoping to get my breast implants in also. There may be a chance that they can exchange the expanders out for implants while orthoscopically removing my ovaries. It all depends on getting the OK for bridging my coumadin long enough during the surgery.
 
  Even though all of this is happening- life still continues on over here!  There is no pause button over here.  We all continue on as normal and deal with these jabbs as they come.  Plain and simple.
But- I would like a little break from all this health crap but I don't see that happening anytime soon
like I thought.  Not gonna lie though.. I am pissed off, kinda sick of loosing my female body parts, grumpy as hell and definitely over this shit.  I have a very low tolerance for this crap now. I am pretty sure my kids and husband are feeling the same way too lol.

I definitely appreciate life a whole hella of a lot more since heart surgery in February and since my nightmare is continuing.  My view on a messy house is fuck it!  My view on being able to coach and do pitching lessons makes my heart happy and full.  My view on my family is- they are my family and no matter what we all love each other!!  Shit- I even wear a damn Sam's Club tankini with shorts bathing suit for 24.99- which would of never happened before cancer- but being with my kids in the pool is more important than worrying if I look like a damn beached blubbery whale!!  Just sayin..  Lol.

My view on dying now is- I am no longer scared of dying. Cancer took that fear away!  I am fine with dying as long as I have hugged and kissed my babies and told them Mama always will love them.  I now know that Jarrod can handle anything that comes his way and will take amazing care of
his babies like he does now!

I just wanna live!!  I want to eat ice cream when I want, I want to be there for my babies all the time, I want my marriage to be good again, I wanna feel healthy enough to ride my beach cruiser around, I want to be able to lay out by the pool or at the beach without worrying that the whole right side of my body will swell up from my fuckin lymphodema.  I appreciate so many more things in my life that three years ago I would of taken for granted. I just want to "be."  That is it. i just need to "be" for a while. I will always fight on- but it is very tiring and very hard sometimes.

No matter what is going on in my life or in yours- it is still so very important to prioritize what is needed in your life because we are not promised tomorrow!!  Live your life like your favorite song is
playing 24/7!!  Because this your life. And this is my life and in my head  my favorite song on repeat is Fergalicious!! Lol!!  Perfect song to feel good, dance around shakin my big ass, cackle and kick cancer's ass with. Plus- my kids love the song too so dance party on repeat!! Lol

That is it for now. I will keep you all posted as I receive more info!


Xo

37!

I have not blogged for a long time it feels like!  But tonight I felt my brain going a hundred miles a minute!  I needed to write!  So I am here!

Tomorrow is my 37th birthday!  I normally do not care about my birthday.  It used to be just "another" day for me of taking care of the kids and what not.  But this year is different for me!  I felt the urge to celebrate a bit, to be happy, to be thankful to be alive, to enjoy my birthday and reminisce on the good times in my life!  This year has been very hard for me.  I think this year was harder than two years ago when I found out I had cancer on my birthday!  This year was a year of sadness and loss and growth personally and in my marriage.  But through the pain comes light and I am seeing that light a bit.  I view things in my life so incredibly different than I did a year ago.  What was important to me a year ago is NOT even close to what is important to me now.  I cherish the little things more, I laugh so much more these days and I am taking more time for myself.  There are days where I get up in the morning and drive my kids to school and think to myself how lucky I am to be Chase, Baylee, Stella and Skylar's mom!  And of course there are those fun days where I think they are being assholes too.. LOL.  Lets keep that shit real!! But Life is pretty damn good for me right now!  I am alive, I am recovering from open heart surgery-and doing damn good!  My husband is taking wonderful care of me and the kids, but most importantly-Jarrod is wanting to take care of me and love me!

I want to just soak it all in tomorrow.  I have been through hell and back and tomorrow I will not dwell or think about my hell!  Tomorrow I am going to be extra thankful I am here in this crazy ass world with my family, friends and sun.  Life keeps throwing me fuckin curve balls and I am getting real sick of it-but-I will not give up, I will continue to fight- but I just want tomorrow off lol.  Just one day of no curve balls.  Just one day where I can just "be!"  That is all I want.  I don't want anything fancy in my life, I just want to be healthy again and take care of my family-so stop with the fuckin curve balls!

I don't know what is to come in my life next, but I do know that whatever it is I can handle it.  I have to handle it-I have four little girls that need to see their mamma handle whatever comes her way!

I made it to 37!  I will make it to 38 too!!  But tomorrow- I am just gonna "be."

xoxo

It's GO Time!

     Ok so Hi!  I got a surgery date for my heart.....  February 15th!  Holy crap right!!!  Yea, I am kind of freaking out but so glad I have a date so that my family and I can move forward.  Lots to prepare and do but I will bust it all out.  It will all just help to keep me extra busy!  

   I had an angiogram this week and my arteries are just fabulous.  They are great even though radiation and chemo hit them.  So that is really good news.  But during recovery from the stupid angio I started to get a gnarly headache, but just figured it was because I had no food or water for 24 hours. So they discharged me and Jarrod and I were starving so we wanted to hit up Anchos on the way home (mex restaurant.)  So I started feeling really sick on the way to the restaurant.  Chills, sweats, barffy feeling, dizzy, etc..  So Jarrod went into the restaurant and got us a table while I sat in the car and barffed in Jarrod's coffee cup lol.  After I barffed I felt better and went inside the restaurant to eat with the hubbs.  then I got up to barff a few more times lol.  Finally said fuck it, went back in Jrod's car while he finished eating and barffed my brains out in his stainless steel Starbucks coffee cup.  We then drove home and I was crying, and moaning, and still barffing in the coffee cup.  Jarrod wud dump the cup so I could barf again in it lol.  I don't remember much of the drive home-except my crying and pukking.  Poor Jarrod.  He does not do vomit well.  He was being a good sport about it all.  I then went upstairs into my bed and shivered myself into an extremely deep sleep.  I took maybe a few hours nap, by then it was evening.  I woke up and was starving.  I ate and back to sleep I went until the morning when the chaos would all continue lol.  And since Thursday-since getting my angiogram I still feel awful.  I am so shaky and weak from that stupid contrast they put in your body.  I think my body is getting old and tired of all these fricken procedures and crap in my body.  Every procedure and test that I have now I end up sick and pukking.  Getting a bit ridiculous!  But..  It is definitely GO time now-finally!!!

    So I told my girls about the surgery date and man was that hard!  Skylar doesn't know or understand and is pretty used to being bounced around lol.  Stella is very clingy to me and climbs in my bed every night, and sits in the bathroom with me when I am peeing because she said she is scared I am going to die.  Chase just closes off like her Daddy and puts on the tough chick front and then ignores me and goes on her ipad or phone lol-which is totally ok with me!!  And Baylee...  My sweet crazy Baylee is having a rough time!!  She was very upset.  Went up into her room and hid in her bed until I went up to talk to her.  I reassured Baylee and told her I was going to be ok, and this surgery is what I need to get her Mamma back.  She had tears streaming from her face while holding her build a bear I got her (she sprayed my perfume on her bear) and asked me what is gonna happen if I die!  Holy Shit was all that came to my mind.  My 10 year old little girl has to not only worry about her Mamma's cancer coming back but now is worrying if her Mamma is going to die from heart surgery.  It took everything I had not to just cry.  It took everything I had to not tell her how fuckin freaked out I was feeling.  Instead, I told her that it was totally normal to feel scared, mad, angry, sad.  And that I would answer any questions that she had for me.  Her only question or concern was me dying!  She said if you die Mom what is gonna happen to Daddy and me and my sisters?!  I told her I was not gonna die!  I reassured her that her Mamma is gonna make it out of surgery and feel better than ever.  I told her that her Daddy and her sisters and her need me!!  That is what will keep me alive and fighting.  I told her to do whatever her heart felt like doing to get through this crap!  I reminded her that we are in Survival Mode again and we got through chemo and cancer we can get through this shit!  Her tears then slowed down and soon she began to smile and laugh at my jokes.  But she is definitely worried and sad.  She cries over everything right now and yells at me and screams at me.  Then after she apologizes and cries on my shoulder!  I hate it all.  I hate that this is all hanging over their heads at such a young age.  The constant fear of loosing their Mamma-crap that has gotta be hard on them.  It also has to be just beyond hard for Jarrod as my spouse!  I just feel awful they all have to deal with this crap.  I am so sorry that my girls, my husband, my family, my crew all have to go through this with me!  I am grateful for you all and love you all but damn it....  So Shitty!!!!!

   Anyways, we will all get through this.  It is gonna be long, it is gonna be difficult.  But one thing is for sure-this bitch is not ready to say Farewell yet....  I have too much to live for.  I still have alot to do in my life damn it!!!!!!  lol  You are all gonna be stuck with me!!  Got it!!!!!  

     There is ALOT going on in my brain-but it will get sorted out and taken care of.  I can do this!!  We can do this!!  We have no choice but to push through this crap!!  I refuse to wallow, I refuse to give up!  I have purpose here on this earth damn it! 

      I love you all!  We got this!!  It is GO Time for reals now!!!!!

xoxo

     

     

All I Want In My Life...

 All I want in my life...

All I want is to be happy.
All I want is to be loved.
All I want is to be wanted.
All I want is to be touched.
All I want is to be accepted.
All I want is to be enough.
All i want is to feel beautiful.
All I want is to be accepted.
All I want is to feel needed.
All I want is to accept my cancer.
All I want is to always feel pretty.
All I want is acceptance of my scars.
All I want is to be taken care of.
All I want is respect.
All I want is to be a priority.
All I want is to hear I Love You!
All I want is to be cherished.
All I want is a happy life.
All I want is positivity.
All I want is to be a better person each day.
All I want is to feel the warm sun on my face.
All I want is to empower the youth.
All I want is to live life to the fullest.
All I want is coziness.
All I want is all the tabs in my head to turn off.
All I want is for the pain to go the fuck away.
All I want is my heart to be mended back together some day.
All I want is to not feel the agony and pain.
All I want is peace.
All I want is for the tears to stop running down my face.
All I want is for my health to improve.
All I want is a good life.
Is that too much to ask??

Shit Show, No Such Thing as Normal Anymore, It Might be Over!

Hi! It has been a while since I last blogged.  I have been wanting to blog but have been kinda scared to put my crap out there- but I would not be being honest with myself or with any of you reading this post if I did not blog the honest god awful last five months with you. Are ya ready?  Here I go..  First-wish me luck. Lol.

So I got to coach Stella in tee- ball and Baylee in 10U!  It was awesome to be out on that field coaching these amazing girls and impacting their lives in so many positive ways.  I really view coaching as a priviledge. I think if more idiots viewed coaching as a priviledge we would not have as many scuffles or ego problems on and off the field.  But hell- what do I know... I am just a girl!   Chase also played fall ball but did not want me or her dad to coach her lmao.  She wanted a break from us. I completely understood that!  The three girls played great while Skylar was passed along to whoever coould watch her so that I could coach. It was great!  

In the midst of coaching, the kiddos all started school and cray cray time eventually began in the Robinson house!!  Kids in school, coaching two teams while three outta the four are playing, holding the fort down while Jrod works everyday practically and also trying to deal with my cancer and all my damn appointments that go with the fucking bastard. So basically while Jrod was gone working I did everything else!  I would fall asleep in the school pick up line in the afternoon with the littles in the car waiting for the bigs to get out of school.  I ended up staying up till 2am to try and clean up the house and pay bills.  I literally felt like my world was crumbling on and around me and I just did not know why or how the hell to stop the crumbling.  There were many times I would let Skylar and Stella raid the pantry from the second they got up just because I knew it gave me an opportunity to just sit and not feel my damn heart palpitate outta my chest.  I knew they would make a mess with their Doritos at 7am but I didn't mind. I just was so tired I figured who cares- I will clean it up later.  And ya-I said Doritos at 7am- don't judge! Lol. 

Since all my treatment was done and we were in a waiting period for my heart surgery I thought life would be amaze balls now.  Kids in school, softball, a sort of calmness I thought was going to enter

 our lives.  But oh no.... See- it doesn't work like that up in here!  Instead- everything happens at once over here and hell breaks loose before it gets better.  Normalcy after cancer my ass!  No such thing!  I hate to be Negative Nelly- but it is true.  There is no such thing as normal anymore.  So take that stupid ass word out of your vocabulary when you speak to me ok?!  Thanks!  Lol. Anywhoooo....So I noticed the craziness of my family, my life and my marriage but I just thought it was a "season."  So I went to my therapist- who is rad- and told her how crazy our lives were and that I was hoping some normalcy would take place and I never see my husband and bla bla bla.  And she then was helping me and I was really trying!  Like trying really hard!!  But that was not good enough to some..  Because then the worse thing in my life was happening right under my nose- my husband wanted out!    He wanted to get away from me, my cancer, the negativity, MY negativity, MY jumpiness, the fear of his wife at 36 dead and burying his wife, the fear of being alone taking care of four little girls, the financial struggle, the crazy schedule, the constant doctors appointments, the ultimate chaos of our lives!  We blinked and chaos began and is in session now permanantly!  This cancer has permanently changed our lives forever.  And cancer has not changed our lives for the better....  It is a muther fucker!

Jrod and I knew each other in high school- and then went our own ways after school.  Then we met back up- we were both at the ghetto mall shopping the day after Thanksgiving lol.  I was like aww fuck, and tried darting the other way because I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship and was realizing I liked being by myself lol.  But we met up!  And from there we have been together ever since.  That was November of 1999!!  So super duper long story short we have been together 16 years and married for 13!  In our 13 years of marriage we have had four beautiful girls- 11,10, 4 and 2.  And we bought our first house.  I also got cancer, my boobs chopped off, six rounds of chemo, lost my hair twice, 33 rounds of radiation, and a mytral valve prolapse.  Yay us!  Oh- and we get to look death right in its muther fuckin eye now on a daily basis now.  Oh- and now my marriage is falling apart. See friends.. After you have cancer- shit changes.   Not only is cancer hard on the cancery chick but it is also hard on the family too.  I tried asking Jrod what was wrong, etc and he would say he was fine.  He was working so much that our conversation was through via text only because talking on the phone is like having tourettes with four kids in the back ground.  So my marriage became a text only kinda of marriage.  It became a roommate  situation.  It became total and absolute bullshit!  The timing of Jrod wanting out was totally shitty.  But really when you are sick there is no good time.  Long story short- we seperated!  We seperated for about a month or so.  Shit- it is all such a blur, but I do remember how awful I felt. -----disclaimer------  I got permission from Jarrod to share our story. I am not writing anything on my blog that we have not already spoke about. Ok, back to my crap..  

Why?  Why did my husband want out of our marriage?  Why did he take care of me in sickness but now in health wanted out?  Why did he think I was unattractive?  Why couldn't he be my husband anymore and love me?  What did I do?? Why  why why??????  He moved out and I remember trying so hard to be strong for my girls and when I thought they were not paying attention or were not around I would sob.  I would sob in my closet with the door shut so that nobody could hear me.  I would lay on the closet floor in the fetal position holding myself asking myself what the fuck did I do to do deserve this?  I said sorry a gazillion times for being sick and having cancer, I said sorry for being a shitty wife, I said sorry for just about any and everything that you could think of because I thought it was all my fault.  My life was now officially a shit show.  I was in rage- constant fucking rage.  I was so hurt, so pissed off.  I just could not understand or make sense of any of it!  I wanted answers and was not getting them. Amd let me tell you- that is the most lonely feeling ever to have from your spouse!  It's  so fuckin awful.

Now I do not know what is going to happen with my marriage.  I have the biggest surgery and fight of my life coming up very soon with a long recovery and therapy time after.  Sad thing is that I told my therapist that I was very much looking forward to my surgery so that I could be put to sleep and not have a worry or pained heart for a few weeks!  It is so much to take in for all of us.  There is so much to work through but where the hell do I start?  We go to therapy to help us with our issues and our marriage.  I am not ashamed to say we are fucked up and have major issues.  I was for a while embarassed-but I then realized I have no reason to be embarassed.  I think many of us put on this amazing fake Facebook persona and I will not  do that!  Because it would be a lie!  Things suck right now.  They are the worse they have ever been in my 16 years with my husband.  But-I/We will figure it out.  Either way the pain will subside eventually.  

There are still good times as a family.  We love our girls more than anything.  Everything that we do is for them!!!!!! We are trying to just find our way I guess.  We are trying to figure out how to be happy again-if that is even a possibility anymore.  We are trying to figure out how to like eachother again and how to be eachother's spouse-not just rommates!  And with four kids-that is very hard.  With Jrod's job-I am finding that it is extremely hard for me and not sure what I want anymore because of his career.  So there are many many decisions that we have to make  as husband and wife, along with making sure I come outta this humongous surgery alive and kickin' for my girls and for Jrod and my family!  No pressure at all for any of us!  lol

Life is hard.. Life is sad and painful at times.  Everyday lately I ask myself What the Fuck...Why??  But I don't have any answers.  All I can do is do what is best for me and my family!  Wherever that takes me I will be fine with.  It will all be a huge adjustment period no matter what the outcome is later for me and my family.  But-I will never give up!  I will keep on fighting for what I need in my life!  I will fight hard and I will stay strong as hell.  I may have alot of tears rollin' down my cheeks for a while  but-that does not make me weak!!  It makes me stronger!!  I will then take a deep breath  and grab life by the ballz and make it my bitch!  Farewell Felisha!  Until next time..

--XO