So I got to coach Stella in tee- ball and Baylee in 10U! It was awesome to be out on that field coaching these amazing girls and impacting their lives in so many positive ways. I really view coaching as a priviledge. I think if more idiots viewed coaching as a priviledge we would not have as many scuffles or ego problems on and off the field. But hell- what do I know... I am just a girl! Chase also played fall ball but did not want me or her dad to coach her lmao. She wanted a break from us. I completely understood that! The three girls played great while Skylar was passed along to whoever coould watch her so that I could coach. It was great!
In the midst of coaching, the kiddos all started school and cray cray time eventually began in the Robinson house!! Kids in school, coaching two teams while three outta the four are playing, holding the fort down while Jrod works everyday practically and also trying to deal with my cancer and all my damn appointments that go with the fucking bastard. So basically while Jrod was gone working I did everything else! I would fall asleep in the school pick up line in the afternoon with the littles in the car waiting for the bigs to get out of school. I ended up staying up till 2am to try and clean up the house and pay bills. I literally felt like my world was crumbling on and around me and I just did not know why or how the hell to stop the crumbling. There were many times I would let Skylar and Stella raid the pantry from the second they got up just because I knew it gave me an opportunity to just sit and not feel my damn heart palpitate outta my chest. I knew they would make a mess with their Doritos at 7am but I didn't mind. I just was so tired I figured who cares- I will clean it up later. And ya-I said Doritos at 7am- don't judge! Lol.
Since all my treatment was done and we were in a waiting period for my heart surgery I thought life would be amaze balls now. Kids in school, softball, a sort of calmness I thought was going to enter
our lives. But oh no.... See- it doesn't work like that up in here! Instead- everything happens at once over here and hell breaks loose before it gets better. Normalcy after cancer my ass! No such thing! I hate to be Negative Nelly- but it is true. There is no such thing as normal anymore. So take that stupid ass word out of your vocabulary when you speak to me ok?! Thanks! Lol. Anywhoooo....So I noticed the craziness of my family, my life and my marriage but I just thought it was a "season." So I went to my therapist- who is rad- and told her how crazy our lives were and that I was hoping some normalcy would take place and I never see my husband and bla bla bla. And she then was helping me and I was really trying! Like trying really hard!! But that was not good enough to some.. Because then the worse thing in my life was happening right under my nose- my husband wanted out! He wanted to get away from me, my cancer, the negativity, MY negativity, MY jumpiness, the fear of his wife at 36 dead and burying his wife, the fear of being alone taking care of four little girls, the financial struggle, the crazy schedule, the constant doctors appointments, the ultimate chaos of our lives! We blinked and chaos began and is in session now permanantly! This cancer has permanently changed our lives forever. And cancer has not changed our lives for the better.... It is a muther fucker!
Jrod and I knew each other in high school- and then went our own ways after school. Then we met back up- we were both at the ghetto mall shopping the day after Thanksgiving lol. I was like aww fuck, and tried darting the other way because I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship and was realizing I liked being by myself lol. But we met up! And from there we have been together ever since. That was November of 1999!! So super duper long story short we have been together 16 years and married for 13! In our 13 years of marriage we have had four beautiful girls- 11,10, 4 and 2. And we bought our first house. I also got cancer, my boobs chopped off, six rounds of chemo, lost my hair twice, 33 rounds of radiation, and a mytral valve prolapse. Yay us! Oh- and we get to look death right in its muther fuckin eye now on a daily basis now. Oh- and now my marriage is falling apart. See friends.. After you have cancer- shit changes. Not only is cancer hard on the cancery chick but it is also hard on the family too. I tried asking Jrod what was wrong, etc and he would say he was fine. He was working so much that our conversation was through via text only because talking on the phone is like having tourettes with four kids in the back ground. So my marriage became a text only kinda of marriage. It became a roommate situation. It became total and absolute bullshit! The timing of Jrod wanting out was totally shitty. But really when you are sick there is no good time. Long story short- we seperated! We seperated for about a month or so. Shit- it is all such a blur, but I do remember how awful I felt. -----disclaimer------ I got permission from Jarrod to share our story. I am not writing anything on my blog that we have not already spoke about. Ok, back to my crap..
Why? Why did my husband want out of our marriage? Why did he take care of me in sickness but now in health wanted out? Why did he think I was unattractive? Why couldn't he be my husband anymore and love me? What did I do?? Why why why?????? He moved out and I remember trying so hard to be strong for my girls and when I thought they were not paying attention or were not around I would sob. I would sob in my closet with the door shut so that nobody could hear me. I would lay on the closet floor in the fetal position holding myself asking myself what the fuck did I do to do deserve this? I said sorry a gazillion times for being sick and having cancer, I said sorry for being a shitty wife, I said sorry for just about any and everything that you could think of because I thought it was all my fault. My life was now officially a shit show. I was in rage- constant fucking rage. I was so hurt, so pissed off. I just could not understand or make sense of any of it! I wanted answers and was not getting them. Amd let me tell you- that is the most lonely feeling ever to have from your spouse! It's so fuckin awful.
Now I do not know what is going to happen with my marriage. I have the biggest surgery and fight of my life coming up very soon with a long recovery and therapy time after. Sad thing is that I told my therapist that I was very much looking forward to my surgery so that I could be put to sleep and not have a worry or pained heart for a few weeks! It is so much to take in for all of us. There is so much to work through but where the hell do I start? We go to therapy to help us with our issues and our marriage. I am not ashamed to say we are fucked up and have major issues. I was for a while embarassed-but I then realized I have no reason to be embarassed. I think many of us put on this amazing fake Facebook persona and I will not do that! Because it would be a lie! Things suck right now. They are the worse they have ever been in my 16 years with my husband. But-I/We will figure it out. Either way the pain will subside eventually.
Now I do not know what is going to happen with my marriage. I have the biggest surgery and fight of my life coming up very soon with a long recovery and therapy time after. Sad thing is that I told my therapist that I was very much looking forward to my surgery so that I could be put to sleep and not have a worry or pained heart for a few weeks! It is so much to take in for all of us. There is so much to work through but where the hell do I start? We go to therapy to help us with our issues and our marriage. I am not ashamed to say we are fucked up and have major issues. I was for a while embarassed-but I then realized I have no reason to be embarassed. I think many of us put on this amazing fake Facebook persona and I will not do that! Because it would be a lie! Things suck right now. They are the worse they have ever been in my 16 years with my husband. But-I/We will figure it out. Either way the pain will subside eventually.
There are still good times as a family. We love our girls more than anything. Everything that we do is for them!!!!!! We are trying to just find our way I guess. We are trying to figure out how to be happy again-if that is even a possibility anymore. We are trying to figure out how to like eachother again and how to be eachother's spouse-not just rommates! And with four kids-that is very hard. With Jrod's job-I am finding that it is extremely hard for me and not sure what I want anymore because of his career. So there are many many decisions that we have to make as husband and wife, along with making sure I come outta this humongous surgery alive and kickin' for my girls and for Jrod and my family! No pressure at all for any of us! lol
Life is hard.. Life is sad and painful at times. Everyday lately I ask myself What the Fuck...Why?? But I don't have any answers. All I can do is do what is best for me and my family! Wherever that takes me I will be fine with. It will all be a huge adjustment period no matter what the outcome is later for me and my family. But-I will never give up! I will keep on fighting for what I need in my life! I will fight hard and I will stay strong as hell. I may have alot of tears rollin' down my cheeks for a while but-that does not make me weak!! It makes me stronger!! I will then take a deep breath and grab life by the ballz and make it my bitch! Farewell Felisha! Until next time..
--XO
No comments:
Post a Comment