Ok so Hi! I got a surgery date for my heart..... February 15th! Holy crap right!!! Yea, I am kind of freaking out but so glad I have a date so that my family and I can move forward. Lots to prepare and do but I will bust it all out. It will all just help to keep me extra busy!
I had an angiogram this week and my arteries are just fabulous. They are great even though radiation and chemo hit them. So that is really good news. But during recovery from the stupid angio I started to get a gnarly headache, but just figured it was because I had no food or water for 24 hours. So they discharged me and Jarrod and I were starving so we wanted to hit up Anchos on the way home (mex restaurant.) So I started feeling really sick on the way to the restaurant. Chills, sweats, barffy feeling, dizzy, etc.. So Jarrod went into the restaurant and got us a table while I sat in the car and barffed in Jarrod's coffee cup lol. After I barffed I felt better and went inside the restaurant to eat with the hubbs. then I got up to barff a few more times lol. Finally said fuck it, went back in Jrod's car while he finished eating and barffed my brains out in his stainless steel Starbucks coffee cup. We then drove home and I was crying, and moaning, and still barffing in the coffee cup. Jarrod wud dump the cup so I could barf again in it lol. I don't remember much of the drive home-except my crying and pukking. Poor Jarrod. He does not do vomit well. He was being a good sport about it all. I then went upstairs into my bed and shivered myself into an extremely deep sleep. I took maybe a few hours nap, by then it was evening. I woke up and was starving. I ate and back to sleep I went until the morning when the chaos would all continue lol. And since Thursday-since getting my angiogram I still feel awful. I am so shaky and weak from that stupid contrast they put in your body. I think my body is getting old and tired of all these fricken procedures and crap in my body. Every procedure and test that I have now I end up sick and pukking. Getting a bit ridiculous! But.. It is definitely GO time now-finally!!!
So I told my girls about the surgery date and man was that hard! Skylar doesn't know or understand and is pretty used to being bounced around lol. Stella is very clingy to me and climbs in my bed every night, and sits in the bathroom with me when I am peeing because she said she is scared I am going to die. Chase just closes off like her Daddy and puts on the tough chick front and then ignores me and goes on her ipad or phone lol-which is totally ok with me!! And Baylee... My sweet crazy Baylee is having a rough time!! She was very upset. Went up into her room and hid in her bed until I went up to talk to her. I reassured Baylee and told her I was going to be ok, and this surgery is what I need to get her Mamma back. She had tears streaming from her face while holding her build a bear I got her (she sprayed my perfume on her bear) and asked me what is gonna happen if I die! Holy Shit was all that came to my mind. My 10 year old little girl has to not only worry about her Mamma's cancer coming back but now is worrying if her Mamma is going to die from heart surgery. It took everything I had not to just cry. It took everything I had to not tell her how fuckin freaked out I was feeling. Instead, I told her that it was totally normal to feel scared, mad, angry, sad. And that I would answer any questions that she had for me. Her only question or concern was me dying! She said if you die Mom what is gonna happen to Daddy and me and my sisters?! I told her I was not gonna die! I reassured her that her Mamma is gonna make it out of surgery and feel better than ever. I told her that her Daddy and her sisters and her need me!! That is what will keep me alive and fighting. I told her to do whatever her heart felt like doing to get through this crap! I reminded her that we are in Survival Mode again and we got through chemo and cancer we can get through this shit! Her tears then slowed down and soon she began to smile and laugh at my jokes. But she is definitely worried and sad. She cries over everything right now and yells at me and screams at me. Then after she apologizes and cries on my shoulder! I hate it all. I hate that this is all hanging over their heads at such a young age. The constant fear of loosing their Mamma-crap that has gotta be hard on them. It also has to be just beyond hard for Jarrod as my spouse! I just feel awful they all have to deal with this crap. I am so sorry that my girls, my husband, my family, my crew all have to go through this with me! I am grateful for you all and love you all but damn it.... So Shitty!!!!!
Anyways, we will all get through this. It is gonna be long, it is gonna be difficult. But one thing is for sure-this bitch is not ready to say Farewell yet.... I have too much to live for. I still have alot to do in my life damn it!!!!!! lol You are all gonna be stuck with me!! Got it!!!!!
There is ALOT going on in my brain-but it will get sorted out and taken care of. I can do this!! We can do this!! We have no choice but to push through this crap!! I refuse to wallow, I refuse to give up! I have purpose here on this earth damn it!
I love you all! We got this!! It is GO Time for reals now!!!!!
xoxo
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